What do you think of having sex with an older man? Perhaps you’re intrigued or maybe even disgusted. Both are common opinions. If you have already had sex with an older man, you might appreciate what he brings to table (or bed). And if you’re willing to give it a shot, you might be pleasantly surprised or even learn something about yourself.
Read on if you’d like to know some of the pros and cons of having sex with an older man.
THE POSITIVES OF SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN
Sex with an older man comes with a lot of positives.
If he’s old enough to be impotent, this could be a boon for your sex life. Say “Goodbye” to condoms. However, men can typically father children later in life than women can become mothers, so make sure you’ve got the medical information down before jumping between the sheets.
But is it safe to have sex without condoms with every impotent man? You can still get STIs from your partner even if you can’t get pregnant. Learn when it’s okay to have sex without a condom.
1. HE’S MORE EXPERIENCED.
There’s a good chance that sex with an older man will be better because he’s spent more time pleasing women or at least one or two women — perhaps both! He’s seen women who are young and eager to please as well as those who are older who demand their pleasure. This works out for you because he’s more likely to pay attention to your desires and needs as well as listen to your feedback. If you’re just learning what you like, his experience might help you hone in on what works and avoid what doesn’t.
2. IT’S LESS ABOUT HIS PENIS.
If there’s one thing that many guys, especially the younger ones, fail to understand it’s that their penis isn’t the only organ involved in sex. And it might not even be the most important one! Lack of understanding might be why guys struggle to turn on female partners. Hint: the brain is the most sexual organ.
The way this plays out when you have sex with an older man is like this: he might have difficulty having or sustaining an erection, so he’s looking for other ways to please. He “resorts” to his hands and mouth, perhaps your favorite toy. Once the focus of sex moves away from his penis, it can move toward your pleasure or connection as a couple.
While you might not necessarily think of erectile issues as being a good thing, they can force a guy to slow down (Read: The Ultimate Guide to Slow Sex). If he needs more time to get revved up, you get more time to do the same. When his orgasm takes longer, you don’t have to try to rush yours. He might focus solely on your pleasure if he has difficulty performing.
Perhaps this is one reason why so many older people report having more satisfying sex than when they were younger!
3. HIS EGO TAKES A BACK SEAT
Younger men often view sex as a performance and your pleasure and orgasm as a responsibility. Of course, it’s good when a guy cares about your pleasure, but it can feel an awful lot like pressure when he wants you to come. You might even feel guilty if it doesn’t happen, even if it’s not his own fault. And if he acts sad or dejected, you’ll only feel worse!
With some younger guys, you might worry that asking him to do something different will make him feel rejected or criticized. No wonder it’s so hard for women to ask for what they want from sex! As men age, however, their egos tend to lose a grip on them. This means they’re more open to feedback and trying new things without taking it personally, and you can have the sex you need or want without feeling guilty or bad.
4. HE MAY WANT TO SPOIL YOU
There’s a stereotype about older guys who like younger women, and while it may not apply to you, it does exist. Sex with an older man might come with perks. He’s well off and has established a certain lifestyle that you’re privy to now that you’re having sex. Some women really bask in these arrangements, but they’re not for everyone.
Of course, you shouldn’t expect gifts from a guy just because he’s older than another guy. He may not think that gifts are appropriate, may not have a ton of money or may simply want only to exchange sexual favors rather than physical objects.
5. HE’S DONE PLAYING GAMES.
The longer a man has lived, the more aware he is of how little time is left. This may make him more forward when pursuing you because playing games wastes time. He might have left his sowing-wild-oat days long behind him.
If you’re sick of having sex with boys, then consider having sex with an older man who is, well, a man. He’s had an entire life to establish himself, work on his personality and figure out what he wants. Of course, you might only be in it for the sex, which is just fine.
Note that not all of these may apply, so it’s important to talk to any man you’re thinking of having sex with to know what risks exist and considerations you need to take. Talking about sex can be difficult, we understand, so we’ve written a helpful guide on communicating about sex.
THE CONS OF HAVING SEX WITH AN OLDER MAN
Of course, there are drawbacks to having sex with an older man.
Psst, are you looking for information about dating an older man and not just having sex? Read our article about dating an older man when you’re younger.
1. HE HAS ERECTION PROBLEMS.
Perhaps he can’t get it up or keep it up for very long. This is normal because blood flow and testosterone both decrease as we grow older. If you like a lot of vigorous thrusting, then sex with an older man might leave you unsatisfied.
Fortunately, there are a few things you can do. First, he should talk to his doctor and consider medications or medical treatments to help with his erectile dysfunction.
Secondly, you can consider giving him a break where he can switch to toys or fingers — or you can switch to other activities. Cock rings and prolonging spray or lube can also help him last longer while a penis sleeve can add girth or help him feel harder than he is.
If your partner isn’t willing to talk to or his doctor about erection problems, you’re going to be in for a rough time. ED understandably messes with a man’s confidence, but denying it and succumbing to shame can be a deal-breaker for your relationship.
2. HE HAS LESS INTEREST IN SEX.
Both men and women experience drops in hormones as they age that can lead to a decreased interest in sex. In women, this is known as menopause (more about menopause and sex). Men experience andropause.
A lower libido may mean you spend more time bonding and participating in other activities together, but if you’re mainly interested in sex, then an older man might not be the best partner choice.
3. HE LACKS STRENGTH AND FLEXIBILITY.
As we age, our bodies are less capable. We lose muscle tone, gain fat and aren’t as athletic as we once were. Now, this process takes longer for everyone, and someone who hits the gym several times a week might still be pretty fit. But you’ll need to accept that having sex with an older man means he probably won’t be as attractive as a younger one.
And if you prefer a partner who is stronger, who can make you feel small and protected (or vulnerable), then you might have to be picky about age and body type when choosing sexual partners.
4. INJURIES HAPPEN MORE EASILY.
Sadly, the older we are, the easier it is to hurt yourself. Something like sex — or even something much less extreme — can lead to a tear, pop or even break. Men with bad hearts might have to take it easy with sex, which can be quite the workout! Existing injuries might also be that you need to modify the way you have sex to prevent further damage.
Check out our senior sex tips, which can help the sex you have with an older man be better.
5. HE MIGHT BE SUPERFICIAL… STILL.
While you might think that having sex with an older man will leave you with fewer reasons to feel self-conscious, that’s not always the case. Older men often have strict requirements for the way their partners look, even though these men are no longer spring roosters. These expectations are often unrealistic and hurtful, not to mention sexist.
This might also mean if he is attracted to you it’s because you’re younger and more fit or attractive than women his own age. Essentially, he wants a trophy to show off. It’s all about shallow things, and he doesn’t care about your personality or brains.
If you’re okay with that arrangement and the perks it affords you, cool. But it’s not every woman’s cup of tea. People may judge you, and you may wonder whether the age difference is more than you can handle.
Related: Age Differences in Relationships
6. HE MAY SUBSCRIBE TO GENDER ROLES.
Having sex with an older man is frustrating for some women who identify as feminists or even just women who want their partners to value them as equals when their partners are caught up in gender roles. He may expect you to be more submissive and meek, to be more domestic and to pay a certain amount of attention to the way you look. If you’re more interested in splitting work equally, being an independent woman and exploring your sexuality, an older guy might really cramp your style.
Beware men who think it’s okay for them to play the field or have multiple partners while forbidding their partners from doing the same.
We can make a lot of generalizations about having sex with or dating an older man, and you might find some of them to be true. But every person is unique, so it’s important not to make assumptions, including that sex with an older man might be bad. If you give him a chance, you might be surprised at how good it can be!