If you want a good laugh, what better way than by reading some funny sex quotes? There are a number of very funny quotes out there that perfectly capture elements of sex or that describe the act of sex. Anyone with a sex life can probably relate.
Here are 12 very funny sex quotes to amuse you. We’ll also explain the meaning or origin behind each one.
1. “WHEN I GET DOWN ON MY KNEES, IT IS NOT TO PRAY.” —MADONNA
We hope you don’t need an explanation for this funny sex quote, but if you do…it’s about blowjobs! What makes it particularly funny is that it’s a take on Madonna’s song, “Like a Prayer,” which was inspired by her Catholic upbringing. But the song is full of sexual innuendo. The actual lyric that discussed getting down on her knees was this: “I’m down on my knees, I wanna take you there.”
2. THERE ARE A NUMBER OF MECHANICAL DEVICES WHICH INCREASE SEXUAL AROUSAL, PARTICULARLY IN WOMEN. CHIEF AMONG THESE IS THE MERCEDES-BENZ 380SL CONVERTIBLE.” —P. J. O’ROURKE
This quote is funny because some women are attracted to rich men. Wealthy, powerful men are aphrodisiacs for many women. Sure, that might not be the number one reason a woman falls for a man. But a 1986 study by David Buss and Michael Barnes found that men tend to value appearances, and women tend to value earning capacity.
3. “SEX AT AGE 90 IS LIKE TRYING TO SHOOT POOL WITH A ROPE.” —GEORGE BURNS
No doubt, George Burns probably uttered this funny sex quote before Viagra. But the quote, while funny, does make you wonder whether old people really do still have sex. And the answer is they do. Sex just might change somewhat when people age. They might have sex less frequently, but they enjoy sex when they do have it. And older people are buying more vibrators than any other group, says Dr. Dorree Lynn, author of Sex for Grownups.
4. “I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT SEX, BECAUSE I WAS ALWAYS MARRIED.” —ZSA ZSA GABOR
Many people fear getting married for the very reason this funny sex quote jokes about, and there’s even a name for the phenomenon: married sex. It means either lack of sex or sex that’s unsatisfying. This can happen in marriages for various reasons. You get comfortable with each other, so there’s little to no sexual tension built up anymore, for one. Sexual tension is important.
And you might have a baby or children who zap any energy you have, energy you might have had for each other. But the truth is that married people generally have more sex and even better sex than single people do, say sex experts. Of course, there’s no minimum amount of sex you should be having.
5. “NYMPHOMANIAC: A WOMAN AS OBSESSED WITH SEX AS AN AVERAGE MAN.” —MIGNON MCLAUGHLIN
It’s funny but true that if a woman thinks about and engages in sex as much as the average man, people consider her to be an abnormal sex freak. This is called slut shaming. Everyone enjoys sex, but society condones sexuality more in men than women. This means that women are often conditioned to think that want less sex or, at the very least, that they can’t express their sexual desires. However, you should definitely feel free to express your fantasies!
6. “HAVING SEX IS LIKE PLAYING BRIDGE. IF YOU DON’T HAVE A GOOD PARTNER, YOU’D BETTER HAVE A GOOD HAND.” —WOODY ALLEN
This funny sex quote is another way of saying, “If you want something done right, do it yourself.” And in this funny quote, doing it yourself or having a good hand refers to masturbation. And masturbation is a good thing for everyone, but especially for women. It helps women get to know what they like so that they can have a fulfilling sex life. Masturbating can help put you in a better mood, can relieve stress, and can meet the needs that your partner might have neglected to meet, as Woody Allen points out.
7. “THE MAIN REASON SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.” —GEORGE CARLIN
This funny sex quote plays on a man wanting a good girl to take home and to marry, but he wants a bad girl in bed. Bad girls exude confidence, and they usually dress the part too. They’re full of charisma and are often mysterious. But what men really love about bad girls is that they know how to please their man in bed and are usually up for anything.
8. “WHAT’S THE THREE WORDS YOU NEVER WANT TO HEAR WHILE MAKING LOVE? ‘HONEY, I’M HOME!'” —KEN HAMMOND
This funny sex quote is making fun of having an affair. But really, an affair is no laughing matter. The person who’s been cheated on is usually devastated. And the cheater usually feels shame and guilt after being caught. Although relationships can remain intact after one person cheats, they often can’t survive the betrayal, particularly if the affair was an ongoing one versus a one-night-stand.
9. “THE ONLY THING WRONG WITH BEING AN ATHEIST IS THAT THERE’S NOBODY TO TALK TO DURING AN ORGASM.” —ANON
And speaking of talking during sex, many guys love it. They also love to hear sighs, moans, and heavy breathing. It signals to your guy that you love what he’s doing. And, of course, you can also tell him how much you love what he’s doing in words. If he keeps it up, you’ll be saying, “Oh, God,” yourself.
10. “MEN REACH THEIR SEXUAL PEAK AT 18. WOMEN REACH THEIRS AT 35. DO YOU GET THE FEELING THAT GOD IS PLAYING A PRACTICAL JOKE?” —RITA RUDNER
It may be a bit of a practical joke, but then again, many older women, especially women with high sex drives, date younger men for just this reason. If that sounds like you and you feel as if men your own age can’t or don’t want to have sex as much as you do, you’re not alone. Because men’s testosterone levels decline as they age, when they get older, they might not be able to keep up with you.
11. “WHEN A GUY GOES TO A HOOKER, HE’S NOT PAYING HER FOR SEX, HE’S PAYING HER TO LEAVE.” —ANON
Live Science tackled the question of what sort of men regularly seek prostitutes, which differs from a guy hiring one once or maybe twice, and they found that the regulars are typically rich, married, white guys with graduate degrees. Beware of guys who just want sex if that’s not what you want, too.
12. “SEX: THE THING THAT TAKES UP THE LEAST AMOUNT OF TIME AND CAUSES THE MOST AMOUNT OF TROUBLE.” —JOHN BARRYMORE
While everyone spends differing amounts of time in the sack, the actual amount of time devoted to intercourse is between three and seven minutes, according to a study conducted by Canadian and American Sex Therapists. Some people consider intercourse that lasts between 10 and 30 minutes as being too long (try a quickie instead!). So in the scheme of things, that isn’t too much time. But if sex is unsatisfying or nonexistent, the troubles caused to the relationship are typically constant and ongoing.
Sex doesn’t always need to be serious and romantic, although there certainly is a place for that. Sometimes sex should just be fun, and hopefully these funny sex quotes can help lighten your mood and your attitude toward sex.