2 MYTHS ABOUT SEX AFTER MARRIAGE THAT JUST AREN’T TRUE!

A lot of people have thoughts about sex after marriage. It’s easy to believe myths about frigid marital beds and interactions around sex after marriage. But do you really know the truth about married sex? Discover why sex when you’re married can be the best sex of your life!

SEX AFTER MARRIAGE

MYTH: MARRIED PEOPLE HAVE SEX LESS

There’s a thought that church bells at a wedding are also the death knell for sex. Once a woman locks a man down, she stops putting out. Studies have shown, however, that people in relationships are actually the ones having the most sex [1] [2]. This is especially true for older single folks.

Psst, are you interested in learning how often people have sex? Read our post about how much sex people have!

Research also indicates that married women derive more physical and emotional pleasure from sex [3]!

It may be that some people are waiting until marriage to have sex or that being in a committed relationship such as marriage provides a safe environment to explore your sexuality. For instance, people are more likely to engage in BDSM activities with a romantic partner than a casual partner [4].

There’s truth that sexual frequency slows down the longer you’re in a relationship. But it’s not necessarily your marital status that’s led to a decrease. Researcher and professor Kaye Wellings has said that people in relationships over six years long or more have half as much sex as those under two years [5].

TRUTH: SEX IS IMPORTANT TO A MARRIAGE

Sex is important to relationships. People who have a lower frequency of sex are often less happy. Sex can make you feel beautiful, connected, relaxed, and loved, just to name a few of the awesome perks. For some people, not having enough sex is a deal-breaker that can lead to a miserable marriage.

Read More: Reasons for An Unhappy Marriage

One thing that some people struggle with is finding time for sex, even if it’s important to them. It might not sound sexy, but scheduling a date or sex helps to make sure you have enough sex to be satisfied. It might be as simple as having sex on Friday nights or agreeing to have sex whenever the kids are somewhere else overnight. A regular date night will often lead to sex and is sure to be beneficial to your marriage.

But sex isn’t everything in marriage (check out more marriage advice). You share a life and a home, perhaps children or pets. Your partnership extends outside of the bedroom. So if you’re not having sex as much as most married people, you don’t need to worry. As long as you and your spouse are okay with it, you’re fine.

This means you have to talk to him about sex after marriage, however, and we’ll touch on that later. There’s also some advice about changing your married sex life if it’s not cutting it further down.

TRUTH: MARRIED SEX IS ROUTINE… SOMETIMES

Another belief about sex after marriage is the idea that it gets boring. Of course, it’s easy to get into a routine. You develop habits together, and life may make it difficult to be spontaneous. You have sex right before bed and, hey, maybe it’s uninspired and quiet because you’re tired and the kids haven’t yet gone to bed. But it gets the job done.

You’re far from alone if you’ve fallen into this sexual rut. Half of all married women and two-thirds of married gents describe their sex as predictable [6]. Predictable isn’t always bad, however. You might think it’s better to know when you’ll have sex and what that sex will look like than to not have sex or wonder if you’ll ever have it again (like you might sometimes feel when you’re single).

It also means you’ve got more time to explore every kink, fetish or sexual activity that might strike your fancy and to really live your true sexual self.

Another benefit of sex with a long-term partner? You’re more comfortable with each other, so you (hopefully) experience less sexual anxiety. Have you ever had so many butterflies in your stomach that you couldn’t let go and enjoy yourself? Those feelings tend to lessen with sex after marriage?

Still struggling with anxiety related to sex? Find out how to kick sexual anxiety to the curb.

Routine doesn’t mean that things must always happen that way, either. As young kids grow and become more independent, busy seasons at work pass, and your obligations change, you might find yourself with more time and energy for sex. There’s something to the older couple portrayed by the media as having something of a second coming sexually speaking.

REFRESH YOUR SEX LIFE

And you can always change things up if you’d like. There are so many things you can try sexually — bondage, spanking, sex toys, role playing  and sex in public, just to name a few — that you could spend years without having tried everything at least once.

If you’re looking to spice up your sex life or even just relationship, we have a few posts you should check out!

Despite the fact that sex can and often does become routine in marriage and long-term relationships, many people are pretty happy with their sex life after marriage. According to one study, 80% of married men are satisfied by the sex they have with their spouse [6]. Unfortunately, the same is not true for women. The same study found that just 60% of married women are satisfied with their sex lives.

MYTH: SEX IS FOR YOUR HUSBAND

This brings us to our next point: if the sexual routine you’ve fallen into involves you feeling dissatisfied, that’s definitely a habit you want to break. Women are more likely to view sex as something they do for or give to men, even those who are married — and sometimes who have been married for quite some time. More than once, a reader of the Bad Girl’s Bible has admitted to being married for years but never having achieved an orgasm (with her husband or by herself!).

The routine of putting up with sex even if it hurts, provides you with no pleasure or orgasm, skips vital foreplay or ends too quickly, among other factors, is all too common. And because women often fear that they will hurt their partner’s ego, even if that partner is a husband, and that they must put on a show, they fake pleasure, and often includes faking orgasm too. Surveys suggest that nearly 80% [7] of women have faked an orgasm at least once, and some researchers suggest that women faking an orgasm is “common and widespread” [8].

This perpetuates the idea that sex is for men and given by women. It also leads us to dangerous habits such as using sex as a bargaining chip. You give it only when you can get something you want, and you withhold it when you’re unhappy. Now, you shouldn’t necessarily have sex when you’re angry with your husband, but sex is something you should both enjoy and take something from, and it shouldn’t become a negative in your relationship.

MAKE MARRIED SEX THE BEST SEX OF YOUR LIFE

This is a routine that’s especially difficult to change. How do you admit to your husband that you’ve never had an orgasm during sex? Or perhaps at all? For that matter, how do you explain to the person you love and pledged to love forever that sex after marriage isn’t what you thought it would be?

Ideally, figuring out how to talk about sex is a question you’d ask before marriage, but it doesn’t always happen that way.

Related: 16 Intensely Important Questions to Ask Before Marriage

These are difficult conversations to have, for sure. This might be why fewer women are satisfied with sex after marriage than men. They get used to pretending, and the longer they pretend, the harder it becomes to come clean. But sex doesn’t change unless you change it.

Remember the survey that found just over half of married women to be sexually satisfied? Well, it also shows that 79% of husbands assumed their wives were happy with their sex lives [6]. That’s a pretty big discrepancy but not one that’s entirely surprising.

After all, intercourse usually does it for a guy. But most women need direct clitoral stimulation to orgasm (and many find it more pleasurable, anyway [9]), and intercourse often isn’t great at providing that for them [10]. It all depends on the distance between clitoris and vagina.

Not sure how your body compares? Check out this female anatomy refresher. You can also learn what the rest of the clitoris looks like.

DISCUSSING SEX AFTER MARRIAGE

Where does this leave you? You’re faced with a tough conversation, and you don’t want to hurt your husband. Yet, you don’t want to live a life of unsatisfying sex. And we don’t think you should, either!

Because talking about sex can be so nerve-wracking, we’ve literally written the guide to sexual communication that you should read, even if you think you have a pretty good sex life!

Here are a few quick tips to get you started:

  • Have your discussion about sex at a neutral time and location (when you’re relaxed, not busy, alone, etc.).
  • Let your partner know beforehand that you’re going to want to talk about sex soon; don’t surprise him.
  • Focus on achieving the goal (i.e., better sex), not blaming your spouse.
  • Don’t do it right before, during or after sex.

SEX IS BETTER WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR BODY

Of course, it’s not all about talking. If your big complaint is lack of satisfaction and orgasm, then you’ve got to do something about it. Start by doing yourself.

Discover how to masturbate for women. And because most women are most receptive to clitoral stimulation, check out these clit stimulation techniques. It’s easier to orgasm with a partner once you’ve mastered it on your own, and your spouse should hopefully be on board with you mastering this new skill.

WHEN YOU’VE WAITED FOR MARRIAGE TO HAVE SEX

So far, most of this information was intended for people who have been married for a while. But what if you’re not yet married and have been waiting to tie the knot before you have sex? Here’s some advice for you, too.

As you’ve seen, having sex with your spouse can be incredibly fulfilling. But if the first time you have sex is after you’re married, you might be in for a shock.

The first time you have sex is both anxious and exciting. That’s completely normal! But you don’t want to place so much significance on your first time that you’re disappointed with it.

First times are often awkward and not usually pleasurable. They may even hurt due to the tearing and stretching of the hymen (more info on the hymen), but most women don’t experience pain their first time [11]. Using lube and having plenty of foreplay helps prevent pain, and the Bad Girl’s Bible has plenty of information on both of those topics.

The truth is, the first time you have sex, whether you wait for marriage or not, it might be better or worse than you anticipated. The more you have sex with a person, the better it tends to get. That’s good news for married sex!

To avoid future issues, you should openly communicate about sex with your partner. Set that precedent early on, so you don’t find yourself faking orgasms (remember, it’s okay if you don’t orgasm!) and subjecting yourself to a disappointing sex life for the entirety of your marriage.

Whether you’ll be married soon or have been married for years, you deserve and can have an amazing sex life. There are a lot of good things to be said for sex after marriage, and sharing such an intimate and pleasurable experience with a partner who is also your spouse is one of the best things about being married.


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