It’s more common to think about having sex with your best friend than you might realize because it’s not one of those things that people commonly talk about. However, actually acting on those thoughts is a different thing altogether.
For this post, we’ll assume that your best friend is a guy. Hey, it happens! If your BFF is a woman, you might have a whole other slew of issues to deal with.
WHY DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND?
1. YOU’RE HORNY
Are you simply horny? Perhaps you’ve had a dry spell. You might not have time to look for new sex or dating partners. If you could simply have sex with a friend, even your best friend, it would make things a hell of a lot easier. And since all you want it sex, you think you’re safe from developing feelings. If it’s a one-and-done, the risk might really be pretty low.
2. YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM
Sometimes we fall into the trap of trying to, well, trap someone by having sex with them. If you can foster a sexual connection with someone, perhaps a romantic connection will follow. We won’t lie: sometimes that happens.
But if you secretly have feelings for someone, it’s usually unwise to have sex with them and hope that something comes with it. You’re better off having a discussion than having sex. Then, your bestie can let you know how he feels, and you can either act on your feelings or work on getting over them.
3. YOU WANT HUMAN CONNECTION
Perhaps you don’t have feelings for your best friend, but you crave intimacy, and sex certainly provides a certain form of intimacy (discover what intimacy actually is). But if you want a relationship, you might be better off dedicating your time and effort looking for someone who wants to be in an equal relationship with you where you’ll share genuine caring and connection.
Not sure where to start? Learn how to find your soulmate.
4. YOU’RE NOT IN THE RIGHT HEAD SPACE
Most people would never consider sleeping with their best friends. But occasionally we have what turns out to be a pretty unusual – or bad – idea because of where our head is. It might be that you’re drunk or high. Or you might be grieving, stressed out or otherwise not yourself.
Once you get back to your normal headspace, which might require you to sober up or even partake in a little therapy, you might be shocked that you even considered having sex with your best friend. Or you may realize that it’s really not that bad of an idea after all.
BENEFITS OF HAVING SEX WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND
You might realize the risks you run when thinking about sleeping with your best friend, but what about the benefits?
1. YOU KNOW ALREADY EACH OTHER.
The knowledge you have of each other outside the bedroom might translate into the bedroom. And anyone who has struggled because of the sexual learning curve can see why that would be a plus.
Your best friend is likely to understand the way you experience anxiety and stress you have at work. He also knows your friends and family, which might be a positive or a negative depending upon the way you look at it.
Furthermore, because you know your best friend, you don’t have to look for someone to have sex with. You can skip clubbing, bar hopping or swiping on Tinder because there’s a potential sexual partner right there – if he’s interested.
2. HE PROBABLY WOULD BE DOWN FOR IT.
Some guys will tell you that if they have female friends, they’ve considered having sex with them. Very few guys would be offended by the suggestion (assuming they’re single and straight). This is one reason why people say that you can’t be just friends with a guy, but some people argue otherwise.
Of course, he may not be attracted to you or see you so platonically that the thought hasn’t crossed his mind. That might mean you need to figure out how to escape the friend zone.
3. YOU’RE COMFORTABLE WITH EACH OTHER
This might actually be an extension of knowing each other well, but comfort is an important factor when it comes to enjoying sex, especially for women. But you’re comfortable around your best friend, so you can skip that awkward stage where you’re getting to know one another and get right to gettin’ down.
4. YOU GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM
Sometimes all we need is one good romp to stop our brains from obsessing over sex. Then, you can go back to that project at work or even dating without struggling to stop thinking about sex.
5. YOU GET PRACTICE
Being sexually inexperienced can cause a lot of anxiety about sex (more on sexual anxiety). There might be a good looking fellow who you want to have sex with but are afraid to approach because you haven’t had sex with many people. Enter your best friend, who gives you a helping hand.. or two.
Of course, you might remember a certain plot line in the show FRIENDS. In an alternate universe, Chandler and Monica were just friends, and he steps in to be her first sexual partner. She feels a boost of confidence after finally giving a guy her virginity, which she calls her “flower,” but Chandler finds himself jealous of the man she was practicing for. This leads us to our next point.
BUT THERE ARE RISKS
Of course, there are! That’s why you’re reading this post about having sex with your best friend rather than already jumping his bones. The first risk is a given.
1. SOMEONE DEVELOPS FEELINGS
Even if you don’t have feelings for your best friend, having sex with him could cause them to arise. That’s one of the cons to any friends with benefits relationship. Despite having rules and setting boundaries, one of you is bound to develop feelings. If the other does, too, that can be good.
Of course, if you develop feelings even if you’re not compatible, it might lead to a messy breakup. And that’s never good.
But if it’s one-sided? You might feel resentful, feel used or want more from this relationship than your best friend is willing to give. And this is a problem because it is your best friend, after all.
2. YOUR RISK YOUR FRIENDSHIP
The one thing that prevents many people from having sex with their best friend is the risk that doing so will ruin the friendship. You’ll wind up without a sexual partner and without a best friend. If the support your best friend provides you is more significant, then adding sex to the mix might just be too risky. Can you deal with it if your best friend suddenly isn’t your best friend anymore?
3. YOUR FRIENDSHIP FEELS AWKWARD
You might not be jeopardizing your friendship entirely if you have sex with your best friend, but you might risk decreasing the quality. Think about the sort of things you would talk to your best friend about. Those subjects probably include sex and the sexual or romantic partners in your life. But if that person is your best friend, you’ll need to find someone else to talk to.
It can go further than that, however. You might feel fine messaging your bestie sixteen times in a row or at all times of the day. That’s what best friends are for, right? But when you’re having sex with each other, it’s easy to over-analyze your interactions and feel yourself being needy. On the hand, you might find that you need space from your friend because you’re now doing the dirty.
This might mean you are less close with your best friend and you’re both unsure when to communicate or even how to do it!
4. PEOPLE MAY JUDGE YOU
If you do let people in on the fact that you’re thinking about or actually having sex with your best friend, you might receive some ire. People are likely to condemn you for making such a “foolish” decision. Others might encourage you to begin a relationship even if that’s not what you want.
This doesn’t mean that you can’t tell anyone, but you should choose someone who can be supportive and balanced without issuing judgment on you and your bestie. And it might be necessary to find someone to whom you can speak about this big thing.
5. THE SEX MIGHT BE BAD
Bad sex is an unfortunate fact of life. Sometimes it’s the first time (get tips for first time sex) and things will improve as you get to know each others’ desires and bodies. But sometimes you’re just not sexually compatible. So what do you do if the sex with your best friend is bad? If you never want to have sex with them again?
This situation has the potential be be super awkward. You might not know how to tell him. One of you might wind up with hurt feelings. Looking someone in the eye after you’ve had sex can sometimes be awkward, but if the sex was bad and he’s your best friend, it could be mortifying.
IF YOU HAVE SEX WITH YOUR BEST FRIEND
Despite the risks, some people decide to go ahead and have sex with their best friends. Only you can make that decision. Once you’ve decided to go ahead and do it, how do you get to the point where you’re doing it?
You might be upfront with your best friend and say something like “Hey, I haven’t had sex for a while and I know you haven’t, either. How about we scratch that itch together?” Perhaps you simply go in for a kiss or grope when you’re physically close to your friend.
You might bring flirting into your relationship to see if he picks up on the cues. Be prepared that he might not pick up on those signals or, even worse, he does but isn’t interested.
For some people, alcohol or certain drugs might lower inhibitions and can lead to sex.. Beware that you might regret decisions that you make while under the influence – and may not be able to legally consent. However, if the two of you are okay with a little social lubricant, a glass of wine might be just what the doctor ordered. In fact, alcohol is how some best friends wind up having sex, to begin with.
If this isn’t going to be a spontaneous decision, you probably want to talk about your expectations and desires to ensure you’re on the same page. Is this a one-time thing? How will you deal with feelings? So on and so forth.
Don’t forget safer sex practices such as using birth control and condoms, especially if either of you has other problems.
Specify rules for contact after sex. For some people, this will be easier than for others.
Finally, figure out what you’ll tell future partners. Will they know that you once slept with your best friend? Partners can feel jealous of close friends by default, especially if those friends are of the opposite gender (or the same gender if you’re bi or gay). Adding to the fact that you have carnal knowledge of your bestie, and you could be opening up a big can of worms.. with a partner whom you might not even have met yet!
Sometimes, despite all the risk, you’ve just got to have sex with your best friend and see how – and where – it goes. You can minimize some of these risks by following our advice before sleeping with your best friend, but you cannot eliminate any of them completely.