The idea of denying an orgasm sounds like it doesn’t mesh with sexual pleasure or fun, so why would someone be into orgasm denial? This kink is actually pretty common, however. Discover how denying or delaying an orgasm can lead to a bigger payoff in the end!
Orgasm Denial? What the Heck Is That?
Orgasm denial is a type of sex game that falls under the umbrella of orgasm control. In short, you’re not allowed to orgasm, either at all, for a specified period or until you complete a task. Orgasm denial can be a solo feat (and that’s one way to stop yourself from masturbation so much)), but it also works well with partners.
At first, denying yourself orgasm might sound weird. Why wouldn’t you want to get off? But putting off orgasm can create sexual chemistry and result in better orgasms when you finally are able to come. It can be hot to be in control of someone’s orgasm, which includes telling them not to come (even if you’re doing things that feel really good) and telling them when they finally can come. Handing over that control is also arousing.
Both men and women can experience orgasm denial, the main types of which are:
- Complete denial: no orgasm is given, and no sexual activities or masturbation are permitted
- Tease and denial: teasing brings you close to orgasm, but you can’t cum until permitted
- Ruined orgasm: when orgasm is imminent, something is done to stop it or make it less satisfying
Is Orgasm Denial BDSM?
If you’re a kinkster who thinks that orgasm denial would work perfectly for your BDSM games (discover 6 more BDSM games), you’re absolutely right! A ruined orgasm might be punishment for a submissive partner who didn’t do something to your liking. Or you might be the submissive person who is rewarded with an orgasm for performing beautifully.
Some dominants use orgasm denial or tease and denial games to remind the submissive who is in charge and “owns” their body. If this sounds like you, check out these 7 femdom ideas for ultimate domination.
Many kinksters enjoy the devices that aid orgasm denial. Modern chastity belts and devices – in the form of cock cages for men – can seem like torture implements. However, they’re meant to be more annoying and frustrating than painful. We’ll touch on those in just a bit.
Get more ideas like this in our BDSM guide.
But you don’t necessarily have to be kinky or into BDSM to enjoy orgasm denial or ruined orgasms. You don’t need other tools or elements of domination and submission to enjoy orgasm denial in the bedroom.
Read this post if you want to know what it means to be kinky.
Example Orgasm Denial Games
- Levels: Deny orgasm a specific number of times before you allow yourself or your partner to orgasm. For example, you might specify ten levels (5, 10, 15, so on and so forth) before orgasm is permitted.
- Code word: One partner isn’t allowed to orgasm until the other issues the command, which may be a code word or may simply be “Come.” It can also be fun to instruct someone not to come while you’re teasing them!
- Schedule: Don’t allow yourself or your partner to orgasm until a specific date. Start realistically and pick a date in the near future. Work yourself or partner up to see how long you can go.
- Point System: Orgasm as a reward is a popular method of denying orgasm, and a points system is a good way to track when you get a reward. This method works well for 24/7 (TPE) power exchange relationships (find out more about D/s relationships). Create a list of tasks, sexual or otherwise, that you get points for once completed. If you need 10 points to orgasm, you may need to complete five different 2-point tasks. Beware that indiscretions may lead to subtracted points!
- Homework: While writing an essay isn’t usually sexy; this task might just be. You can orgasm but only after you write an erotic story, scenes, memory or your deepest-held fantasy for your partner to read. The prompt should be difficult enough to provide a challenge, so erotica writers probably aren’t the target audience.
- Tit for tat: Orgasm is only allowed once you have provided your partner with an orgasm. Increase difficulty with rules such as not using your hands, being blindfolded, only using your nondominant hand, having to give multiple orgasms, or having to cause orgasm within a particular time frame.
- Desperate times, desperate measures: Your partner can orgasm, but only if he doesn’t use his hands (or he only uses his weaker hand). Bind them behind him to make this extra challenging.
- Red light, green light: Like the child’s game. Green light means go, but instead of running, you can stimulate yourself. Red light means you must stop (perhaps to focus on pleasuring your partner) until the green command is given again.
- Timer: Don’t be alarmed because this game only delays orgasm, not denies it. Set a timer (a random alarm app comes in handy, no pun intended)
Looking for more ideas? Check out these tease and denial sex games
Sex Toys for Denying Orgasm
You can purchase sex toys to aid in your orgasm games. These are the modern-day counterparts of chastity belts, which were heavy metal devices that required keys to open. Modern versions may still give you the power to control orgasm with a lock and key, but they’re lighter, svelter and sexier.
Chastity devices for women include leather and metal belts that consist of a band around the waist and between the legs to prevent someone from gratification. They’re quite similar to harnesses, and you can even get harnesses with butt plugs and internal dildos; although, those are more for making someone come than preventing orgasm. These chastity belts can even be worn under clothing when in public!
Chastity belts are expensive, so make sure yours fits right. An adjustable belt is the best option because you need to worry about both the waist and the drop from waist to crotch.
One thing to keep in mind about chastity belts is that they prevent you from using the bathroom properly. This could play into a bathroom control kink, or you might need your partner to unlock you to allow you to use the bathroom.
Combination and key padlocks are commonly used, but newer locks rely on wireless technology such as Bluetooth, which means your partner can unlock you with an app. Noke, Master, Quicklock, and Ivation all offer smart padlocks, but they’re harder to find and more expensive than regular padlocks.
Plus size women might have a harder time finding a chastity belt that works. Although, you could go the DIY route with two belts. One becomes the waist band with the other runs between your legs.
The belt between the legs should have the holes near the front of the crotch. You can sew or glue the back side to the waist-band belt (similar to a thong) and cut off the excess. You’ll overlap the ends of both belts so you can slide the pin through holes in both of them before placing it into the buckle.
Adding a locking element is trickier, but you can buy locking buckles to replace the buckle on the belt.
Another option is rope bondage. A harness around the waist and between the legs that prevents you from rubbing your clit is one way to go.
Most chastity devices for men don’t look like harnesses, but you’ll find a few harness/jock strap style chastity devices if you prefer the more encapsulated look.
These devices fit over a soft penis, usually locking into place. The cage is made from plastic or metal or another material that prevents him from becoming hard. When he’s aroused, his erection will push against the cage and not get any bigger. Cock cages are a little more sadistic than chastity belts because of this reason.
Cock cages are easier to fit because they don’t go around the waist.
Related: How Bondage Marks Sex Better
Chastity devices also work well with cuffs to prevent fingers from providing stimulation. One option is to cuff the wrists. Positions can include behind your back or even to your thighs (thigh-to-wrist cuffs exist, or you can create some with rope).
Note that some women can orgasm by squeezing their thighs together, so a spreader bar that keeps thighs/legs apart might be a good option.
Solo Orgasm Denial
If you find that your masturbation habits are getting in the way of your responsibilities, and you want to keep your hands off until you can sleep with a partner, or you want to see how long you can go without an orgasm, you’re not alone. In fact, a few tools exist that can help with the task.
Sites exist where you can sign up and specify how long you want to remain in chastity.
How to Ruin an Orgasm
Ruined orgasms are one type of orgasm denial, and they’re super interesting. Right before a person is about to come, you do something that stops the orgasm or makes it disappointing. One example is to provide pain or discomfort. So you might switch from manual stimulation to a spanking or slap.
You’ll need to pay careful attention to your partner’s (or your own) response to make sure you’re not changing things too soon or too late. Ruining an orgasm too soon won’t be as potent, but waiting too long will allow the orgasm to happen unimpeded.
Ruining a man’s orgasm is particularly easy because all you need to do is to block ejaculation either by covering the urethra or squeezing the head of the penis. Ice can also shrink an erection.
Orgasm Denial Versus Edging
Orgasm denial and edging (learn more about edging) can seem quite similar, but they’re not quite the same thing. Both are types of orgasm control games, and edging can even be considered a type of orgasm denial (tease and deny). But orgasm denial can mean actually denying someone or yourself of an orgasm, so there is no payoff during that session — and sometimes for days or weeks at a time.
Orgasm denial can involve a partner, or it can be a solo endeavor. In the latter case, you’ll probably set goals about how often you can orgasm and how long you want to go without. If you have a high sex drive, this will be difficult in a tantalizing way.
Does Orgasm Denial Work For Everyone?
For women who have a lower sex drive, not being allowed to orgasm may be beneficial. Knowing you can’t come might get you revved up and want sex, especially if your partner doesn’t let you orgasm.
However, for some women with a low sex drive or difficulty having an orgasm, orgasm denial won’t help. It might even be boring because you don’t want sex, anyway, and you were unable to orgasm, to begin with. You know your body best, so keep that in mind before giving orgasm denial a go.
Orgasm denial is a fun game for many people, and you don’t need a partner to start playing!