Falling in love with another man presents a predicament that no one wants to be in. Even as you’re falling in love, you’ll feel guilt, and the fact that you’ve been able to fall in love with another man indicates there are parts of your life which need examination. Find out what it means if you have feelings for someone who isn’t your man and what to do once you realize you’ve fallen in love with another man in this helpful post.
IT’S TIME TO FACE THE TRUTH
1. YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS LACKING
You’re in love with another man. Is there something wrong with your relationship? While affairs can sometimes develop when the problem rests solely on your shoulders, it’s often the case that feelings develop outside your relationship because you’re not content with it. Solving those problems may have prevented you from falling in love with another man in the first place.
2. YOU’RE NOT HAPPY
Even if there’s nothing wrong with your relationship and you’re acting out because of personal issues, you’re not really happy… are you?
This leads us to our next point.
3. YOU’RE LOOKING FOR CHANGE
Falling in love ushers in all sorts of feelings because of the hormones involved. You’ll feel energized, your heart will beat faster, and you won’t need as much sleep. For a moment, you might be distracted from the other stresses in your life. And if you’re falling in love with someone who seems to share your feelings, then it’s all magnified.
It’s no wonder why people engage in affairs and cheat on their spouses when things feel stale. The affair feels exciting and new. It’s change, which may be necessary, but is usually the wrong type of change.
4. YOU’RE STUCK IN A PATTERN
Falling in love, new jobs, moving. These are all the types of things that make us feel refreshed, and people who aren’t capable of sustaining long-term happiness will often initiate such changes when they’re unhappy. Then, for a short period, you’ll feel okay again.
But as you get settled into your relationship, job or city, you’ll find yourself itching for change. You may not be able to extricate yourself from the current situation, however. Allowing yourself to fall for someone else allows you to break up the monotony and may even provide an exit from your relationship.
As you can guess, this pattern doesn’t tend to bring real, lasting happiness to the people who are stuck in the cycle. Plus, it never gives a relationship a chance to blossom after lust has faded.
5. YOU THINK IT’S LOVE – BUT IT’S LUST
It’s easy to be overtaken by the chemical cocktail that is falling in love, whether or not you’re falling in love with your partner. We also fall victim to thinking that lust is love when it’s really not. That feeling of infatuation, also known as limerence (learn more here), is powerful, but it typically doesn’t last.
When the clothes come back on, and hormones settle down, you might realize this new man is sexy but not compassionate or smart. He’s new, but he’s not really a good fit. Perhaps the man you’re cheating on might be a better fit, or neither of them might be really good for you.
6. YOU ONLY FEEL THIS WAY BECAUSE IT’S FORBIDDEN
Knowing that something is against the rules or frowned upon can make it so much more alluring. That’s pretty much why we do anything when we’re teenagers, including sexual activity!
But that tendency is something we learn to overcome as adults because it’s not smart, healthy or safe to constantly break the rules or laws or to upset social situations. Still, all the sneaking around involved in being in love and involved with another man might be extra satisfying because of the taboo.
7. THERE’S NO FUTURE
How many times has a married man (or woman) promised their paramour that their relationship means nothing and will soon end? It’s a line many of us have heard, and some of us have even said to others. But sometimes it’s just that: a line. When push comes to shove, the relationship remains intact while the lover is thrust aside.
Do you plan to leave your man for this new one? Do you want to be in a relationship with them? Are you both prepared to uproot your lives to start a new one together? Perhaps you’re simply pining over him from afar, and he doesn’t even have feelings for you, so there’s no chance for a relationship to begin with.
You might not want to face it, but there may be no hope for a relationship between you and this other man with whom you’re in love.
8. YOUR POSITIVE FEELINGS BREED NEGATIVE ONES
Few women who find themselves in love with another man do so without any sort of repercussion, and we’re not even talking about what other people think. Feelings of guilt and shame are common when you’re in this position, and the more in love you feel, the worse you might feel.
Because of these negative feelings, you might find yourself trying to justify loving another man or having an affair with him. You might even have convinced yourself that your relationship is over, your man gives you no attention, or you chose poorly in the first place.
At the end of the day, however, you’re still living a lie or, at least, a half-truth. You’re not being honest with your man, and maybe you’re not being honest with yourself, either.
DECIDING WHAT TO DO
Not every item from the above list might apply to you, but it’s probably gotten you thinking. If you’ve realized you’re unhappy, you’ve got to change. Issues with your relationship should be fixed, or the relationship should be ended. It might be time to pursue a relationship with this other man, instead, or you may not be able to let him go… yet.
You shouldn’t rush into any decisions; although, time may not be on your side. Consider the following courses of action when you’re in love with another man.
1. STAY IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND WORK IT OUT
Perhaps you cannot be with this other man, you were acting out or you realized it’s not really love. You want to be with your man and re-commit yourself to that relationship.
How you proceed depends on whether you want to tell your man that you developed feelings for someone else and potentially acted on them. If you were just in love with another man and not acting on it, you might be able to keep the secret forever, but an affair might come out eventually.
If you do tell your man, you’ll need to rebuild trust. We suggest the two of you read the following posts to help with this: How to Trust Again After an Affair and 4 Ways to Deal with an Emotional Affair. Your man may not want to continue once he finds out the truth, however.
Related: How to Get Over a Broken Heart
If your man wants to continue in your relationship, there may still be issues to work on. If you don’t fix these problems, one or both or you might find yourselves straying again in the future. The following articles can help.
- How to Fix a Relationship in Strife
- Unhappy Marriages: How It Happens & How To Fix It – 6 Steps
- Fix Your Relationship: Understanding Intimacy Issues
It may be helpful to seek professional therapy. It’s also wise to cut off all contact with the other man to prevent yourself from being tempted.
2. END YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO WORK ON YOU
You have to be ready to give up both your relationship and the idea of loving another man for this option to work. This may mean getting over two men at once, and it’s hard enough to get over one heartache.
However, the result is that you will be free to improve yourself and become a better person – hopefully one who won’t find herself loving another man in the future.
3. LEAVE FOR THE OTHER MAN
Sometimes it’s just too much to give up loving the other man, and you may be convinced that this relationship stands a chance. Thus, you’ll leave your existing relationship to be with another man.
Discover how to break up with a man in this post.
Because you’re leaving one person for another, there may always be a doubt. It’s along the lines of “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” More on that here. But your relationship may be able to prevail if it has a foundation built on open and honest communication.
4. HAVE AN AFFAIR
You may not feel like you can leave your man. Maybe your reasons are financial, or you don’t want to break up your family. You may even be in love with both men and not know how to choose one.
No matter the reason, you’ve decided to continue with both men. Not everyone agrees with this option, but it is an option. If you decide to try it, you’ll need to be able to have an affair without getting caught.
Remember, however, that you might get caught eventually. You might wind up with neither of the men nor the security and family structure provided with your current man.
Whichever option to choose, the next few days, weeks or even months are bound to be pretty tough. That comes with the territory of loving another man.
No matter how you fell in love with another man, the fact that you feel this way highlights cracks in the foundation of your existing relationship. You can use this knowledge to improve your relationship, work on yourself as a single woman or to try again with the new man, or you can let yourself become paralyzed with indecision.