Many people believe that being dominant or submissive or switch is something that is ingrained from birth. They believe that they can’t learn how to be dominant in the bedroom or become more submissive, but even if you’re a born dominant, you still need to gain the knowledge and experience to be a good domme. And you can learn to dominate your man skillfully even if it’s not a driving force of your personality.
With the right attitude, an open mind and the right tools at your disposal, you will quickly find that becoming dominant in the bedroom is doable, empowering and a lot of fun! Follow these easy rules and you will be well on your way to being more dominant and adventurous in the bedroom.
IT’S NOT ONE GIANT LEAP
If you jump in too soon, you could have a negative experience that could be avoided or, even worse; someone could get hurt.
Even if you eventually wind up dominating your man hardcore with whips and blades, don’t expect to do that from the beginning. Learning how to be dominant and, perhaps more important, be a good domme to a partner takes time. Being a good dominant requires experience.
You should start with activities that are less intense or extreme (remember: just playing with power exchange can make things feel more intense!). This way, if something goes wrong, it’s much easier to handle because it’s your responsibility as the dominant to take charge if things go wrong. Knowing you can handle any little — or big — bumps in the road will give you the confidence to tackle more intense types of play and to react calmly when something goes awry.
On the other hand, dominating your man doesn’t need to be super extreme. If you only ever feel like commanding him to do a few mostly-vanilla acts (vanilla, in this context, refers to non-kinky sexual activities), that’s okay, too! Just wielding that power can be highly erotic, and the two of you can experience the flow of power between you. Initiating sex and instructing your partner what to do might not be super kinky (what is kinky, anyway?), but it’s a great start and can help you to have better sex!
So, start with that.
The mistake that so many women make when exploring how to become dominant is that they think they need to make drastic, massive changes in their attitude and actions. Thankfully this isn’t the case at all. In fact, if you suddenly change your attitude, you may even freak your man out, which is obviously not the goal at all.
So what kinds of steps can you take to slowly become more dominant?
- Try initiating: Kiss your man when he’s not expecting it. Run your hand up and down his thigh to let him know what you’re thinking about. Take him by the hand and lead him somewhere private, then start unbuckling his belt. Push him down onto your bed. Try some ‘women on top’ sex positions. Gently bite his lip. Start with the easier things and you’ll quickly notice how easy & fun it is!
- Tell him that you want to try something new:You could pin his arms and tie him to the bed. You could handcuff his hands behind his back and then ‘have your way with him’ by giving him a blow job. You could ask him to go down on you and then use your hands on his head to guide it to exactly where you want him to focus on.
KEEP ON GOING
Once you are comfortable with that, then it’s time to take things a step further. Some people find that, when learning how to be dominant, the best way to ramp things up is with what you say. This can make it easier for you to get into that right head space.
Start with giving him simple orders or commands:
Can you do me a favor and rub my feet?
Get me a glass of wine, would you?
Go and warm the bed for me.
Once he is happily complying with these commands, then you can get a little kinkier, especially when you are actually getting sexual with your man. Here are a few example commands to give him.
You’re going to taste me (then physically push his head down so that he starts eating you out).
You don’t get to cum until I say so, ok?
You’re not allowed to orgasm until I cum at least twice.
These are just some example commands that you can give your man. You don’t necessarily need to use them, but they will give you a good idea of what kinds of things you can say to your man to be dominant and for both of you to get comfortable with your roles.
DISCOVER YOUR FLAVOR OF DOMINATION
Once you have tried out some of these suggestions and ‘dipped your toe’ in the realm of dominating your man, then it’s time to start figuring out what type of domination you prefer.
For most, they want to explore domination only to a small degree and keep it confined to the bedroom. Others want to live the lifestyle 24/7 and completely ‘own’ or control their man. Until you start exploring domination, you won’t know exactly what you want.
One thing people often misunderstand about being dominant in bed is that you don’t have to be extreme or cruel. It’s perfectly valid to be a more loving dominant, or to stick to activities that are a bit “less kinky.” In fact, it may be preferable.
You’ll feel more comfortable dominating your man when you’re a dominant version of yourself and not just imitating what you think dominance should be.
So if your stomach turns when you think about stomping on your man’s genitals, you don’t have to do that. Of course, being sadistic and cruel can be fun, and rewarding. But you don’t have to focus on correcting and punishing behavior.
What’s the alternative?
You can be a loving dominant. Instead of punishment, you focus on rewarding good behavior. Instead of telling your partner that he’s bad or humiliating him, you let him know how much he’s pleased you by doing what you requested the way you wanted.
Now, there’s nothing wrong with being cruel or sadistic. Some submissives relinquish control because this is precisely what gets them off. And if that works for you and your partner, great! But feel free to be more romantic and rewarding if that’s a better fit or even to pick and choose depending on your scene.
This brings us to the next thing you might ask if you want to know how to be more dominant in bed.
WHAT’S A SCENE?
When reading articles about domination, BDSM, and other kinky activities, you’ll come across this term a lot, scene. In this case of a scene, we’re talking about playtime.
During a scene, you might use specific nicknames, which help to enforce your roles and get you into the right headspace. For example, your partner might call your Mistress [Name] or a variation of your actual name during a scene. You may require him to call you “Ma’am” or use certain sentence structures when addressing you. Some female dominants go by “Mommy.”
These things are all personal preference.
Sometimes scenes are planned out quite well, and there’s little room for deviation. This might be a great way to play when you’re first trying out dominating your partner, playing with a new partner, or trying something new and more intense.
On the other hand, sometimes people play it more by ear with familiar partners or activities or when they’re not doing anything super intense.
STAY SAFE & KNOW THE RISKS
Remember, however, that just because you’ve played this like before doesn’t mean it’s not risky.
Even “vanilla” sex comes with risks of pregnancy, STI transmission or injury. Something you’ve done a thousand times before can still go awry.
In kink scenes, there’s an acronym that represents this, RACK. RACK stands for risk aware consensual kink. Basically, it says that everything you’re doing is consensual but that you also recognize the inherent risk.
You can learn more about RACK in this article about essential BDSM rules. Following those rules is essential when you dominate your man and can help to mitigate some of the risks of kinky activities. The article contains general advice and advice that works for submissives, too, but you should keep reading below if you want domination tips specifically.
YOUR RESPONSIBILITIES AS A DOMME
You might be eager to jump into your first scene with your partner. Perhaps you’ve already played together and realized that you love being dominant in bed. Congratulations! But you might want to back up a bit, especially if you intend to try more intense activities.
Even if you never try anything super extreme, it’s important to realize that as a dominant, you have unique responsibilities in your scene. You’re not just the person who gets to tie up and spank your partner; you also have to account for safety.
So you’ve got to follow a couple of rules during your scene and even before your scene to make sure you’re fully prepared.
- Know your tools. This may mean practicing on a pillow before a person, treating rope before you use it the first time, doing research before you even buy a new toy or tool, or watching someone else use it (Youtube is incredibly useful here). Some dominants won’t use items without testing them on themselves to understand the full impact. You’ll also want to learn how to clean and store any items you use.
- Negotiate safety and limits before your scene. Knowing safe words, health concerns, and hard and soft limits is essential before you play with someone. You may utilize a BDSM contract to make sure you cover everything. Check out these example BDSM contracts.
- Prepare for the worst. We recommend having everything you might need in place for a scene gone awry. Something strong enough to cut through bondage (a safety scissors or bolt cutter), keys for any locks, First Aid kit, and a charged cell phone are all advisable. It may even be handy to have a fire extinguisher nearby. Knowing these items are on hand if something goes wrong can help you keep your head clear.
- Start lighter than light, build slower than slow. This quote, adapted from the aptly-named Jay Wiseman [1 p 172], is great for making sure a scene goes as you want. You can always go harder or faster, but you can’t take back something that has caused harm.
- Respect all safe words. Your submissive needs to know that you’ll respect safe words. Some people even argue that you can’t trust their consent if you’re not sure they feel safe revoking it. You can try a scene where you demand that your partner uses a safe word to practice. Whenever your submissive uses a safe word (or action), respect it. Stop and check in. If you’re using the traffic light system, a yellow may mean pause or stop.
- Check in with your partner. Even if your partner doesn’t use their safe word, checking in is advisable. Done right, you don’t have to break character or interrupt the flow of a scene as you sexily growl, “You like that, don’t you?” But it’s absolutely acceptable to be more direct and cautious, especially as you’re learning how to be more dominant or playing with new partners who may react in unexpected ways when something happens either good or bad.
- Pay attention to their behavior. Sometimes a submissive may not feel comfortable using a safe word or may not be able to because they could be gagged or otherwise unable to speak. If they slip into subspace (learn what ‘subspace’ is), they may not be aware of their current state. You’ll need to monitor your partner and pay attention to bodily cues and nonverbal signs of distress. You may sometimes need to stop the scene if you notice it.
- Never leave your partner alone. Some people may joke about trying a person up and leaving the room or even running to the store, but leaving a bound person alone can be quite dangerous. If they’re suspended, the system could crash down. They could experience a natural health concern such as a stroke, seizure, or even a nosebleed with no one to tend to them.
- Stay calm if something goes wrong. “Wrong” is subjective. It could mean that your partner uses his safe word, so you should stop/pause and check it. This may mean the premature end of the scene. On the other hand, injury, fainting, a seizure, fire, or some other unexpected problem requires you, the dominant, to take charge. If you’re prepared, you should be able to deal with most issues easily and can remain calm when doing so.
- Provide aftercare for your submissive — and yourself. Aftercare is the name given to treatment after a scene that helps a person return to physical and mental equilibrium. This might mean food and drink, a warm blanket, or cuddles. Some people prefer silence and solitude. Aftercare is quite varied, and you should be prepared not only to provide it to your partner but to look for ways you can achieve it as a dominant (yep, they often need it, too!). Learn more about BDSM aftercare.
- Seek help when necessary. Although many people participate in some aspect of BDSM outside of any community, connecting with other kinksters can provide you with knowledge, experience, support, and guidance. For example, you might not be able to provide aftercare in some situations. This might be after a particularly intense scene or for yourself. You can enlist the help of another person to provide aftercare. Just do so before a scene so they can agree to be available. Seeking help also means calling 911/999/122 when you need to.
All of these rules help you to orchestrate a scene that’s safe and should be enjoyable to everyone involved. It might sound like a lot, but being prepared helps to minimize negative consequences. You can breathe a little easier knowing you have the knowledge and items necessary to protect yourself and your partner.
It goes without saying that you need to respect your partner. If you don’t respect him, you’ll likely disregard the rules and responsibilities that a dominant has, and someone could be hurt. Submissives are often warned about dominants who are disrespectful, which also makes them dangerous. You don’t want to be that person!
CREATING YOUR SCENE
It’s generally unwise to simply begin your scene. You need to prepare. Preparations such as getting to know your tools, preparing for your scene are discussed above.
Gather what you need before a scene. This includes paddles, bondage gear, lube, and other necessities but can also extend to safety gear such as safety shears (used by paramedics to cut clothing off of patients), a First Aid Kit or other safety gear.
But that’s not the only thing you need to do.
One of the responsibilities of you as a dominant is to discuss a few things before a scene. This is known as negotiation. We discussed it above, but it’s important enough to warrant a bit more discussion.
Negotiation is important to ensure that everyone has a good time.
Negotiation is how you learn what your partner is up for, what they won’t do (known in the scene as a “limit”), any health concerns (think diabetes, low blood pressure, seizures, anxiety, arthritis, or a past injury). This is a good time to discuss any medications such as insulin that might become necessary to use. You might also discuss fears of small spaces or the dark or past traumas.
Safe word – Your partner can let you know his safe word or the two of you can decide on one together.
Limits – Don’t forget that you can list your own limits and concerns.
During the negotiation, you might have to compromise because of some of the issues that arise.
Now, this might all sound formal, and negotiating a scene can be more structured, especially with a new partner, but it can be casual. This is especially true for less intense scenes or if you’re used to your partner.
This can be a fun and sexy activity, too. Negotiation can take place over the phone or text as part of your dirty talk, or you could let your partner know your limits during a coffee date before you even enter the bedroom.
Negotiation is when you can talk about what you want to do and hope to achieve. What will a successful scene look like? How will each of you know it’s going well? Answering these questions means you get to know your partner and they you, and this can really get you in the mood!
As you can see, there’s a lot of communication required when you want to dominate him. In fact, some people think that the BDSM scene has helped people to talk more explicitly and healthily about sex.
If you struggle when it comes to these discussions, don’t worry. Many people have trouble talking about sex. It does get easier with time and experience, however. And talking about sex can majorly improve your sex life.