Learning how to be good in bed is a process that doesn’t just happen overnight. It takes time to learn what works and what doesn’t work to please your man and fulfill him sexually. Luckily the Bad Girls Bible is huge and contains everything you need to learn on how to properly satisfy your man in bed every time.
Before we can tell you how to be good in bed, we have to define what being good in bed means. But, well, that’s easier said and done. You see, there’s no universal definition of what makes one good in bed . That’s why this article doesn’t focus on a ton of specific techniques: everyone has their own preferences.
So being good in bed requires a willingness to have an open mind, explore, be vulnerable, communicate with your partner, and even take a little criticism. We’ll explore all of those aspects below, starting with…
1. UNDERSTAND YOUR DESIRE
A lot of experts, therapists, and authors will tell you to get to know your body because this will help you be a better lover. This is not a bad idea, and you can read more about that in the section just below this one. However, this advice often skips a crucial step for women: understanding how their desire works.
If you want to really get to know and understand it, check out this in-depth guide to sexual desire, which explains the science. However, the following information serves as a primer.
SPONTANEOUS VS. RESPONSIVE SEXUAL DESIRE
Men often struggle because they always “have” to initiate sex. Their partners never start things and often don’t seem interested even if the man initiates. It’s easy to understand how frustrating this is if you put yourself in your man’s shoes.
Now, this might not be entirely true for you as studies have shown that women in heterosexual relationship don’t stick to these traditional sexual scripts . But understanding your desire can be helpful even if this isn’t the case for you.
The first thing you need to learn is that there’s a reason why your man always seems ready to go, but you seem like you need longer to warm up — like a car in the middle of winter. Researchers describe this as spontaneous and responsive desire. As you can guess, men usually have spontaneous desire [3 p 3] (sometimes known as untriggered desire ); although that’s not always the case. They can go from plunging a toilet to wanting sex on the turn of a dime.
But what about women? Women are unlikely to experience spontaneous desire [5, 6, 7] and are more likely to experience responsive or reactive desire, sometimes known as “triggered” desire . If this includes you, your desire needs something to respond to. You won’t usually find yourself wanting sex randomly. But the right sounds, smells, scents, touches, and ideas might do the trick.
If you have responsive desire, you might find yourself enjoying sex play after it’s begun even if you weren’t really in the mood before. Stimulation can come before arousal and/or desire .
You can make responsive desire work for you, however. First, figure out what your desire responds to. It might be your partner doing, wearing, or saying something — even something that’s not related to sex. It could be a long shower, your favorite sexy movie, book, or song, or the way you feel in that perfect pair of jeans. Then, when you know sex is on the calendar, you can do those things to help get your head in the game. Obviously, this works well with scheduled sex and date nights.
But there’s one more thing!
THE DUAL-CONTROL MODEL
The other key part to a woman’s desire is understanding her sexual excitement and sexual inhibition systems. Together, these create the dual-control model of sexual arousal and desire [10, 11]. You can think of these similar to turn-ons and turn-offs. Some sex educators describe them as your “accelerators” (turn-ons) and “brakes” (turn-offs).
Some of the things that your desire responds to are absolutely accelerators (turn-ons). They rev your sexual engine. These things might actively get you horny.
You might be aware of some turn-offs or brakes, but a lot of stuff can affect whether you want sex, including:
- How happy you are in your relationship.
- If you’re accepting of your body.
- Concern over getting pregnant or transmitting an STI.
- Fear of being judged over sexual activity.
- Anxiety because of a new partner – find out how to get over sexual anxiety.
- Not feeling safe or trusting your partner.
- Stress at home, work, school, etc.
Note that while most people are turned off because of stress, a few actually see an increase in their desire [3 ch 2].
A common tactic people use to rev their engines is to press down on the accelerator and introduce more turn-ons. Sometimes this works, but not always. If this doesn’t solve your problems, it could be that your sexual inhibition system is sensitive, and a slight tap on the brakes (turn-offs) halts everything. If this sounds like you (and it applies to most women [3 p 60]), then you know your problem won’t be solved by adding any amount of accelerators/turn-ons. Instead, you need to focus on letting up on the brakes.
Try making a list of your brakes. Consider those that are more sensitive than others. Brainstorm ways you can reduce or eliminate these brakes.
Remember to be realistic, too. You might not be able to eliminate all of the stress in your life, but you may be able to relax in the moment (this is crucial to having good sex) after a sensual massage. Or you might be able to add an activity such as sports or yoga, which can ameliorate stress .
Managing your breaks will help you have better sex.
2. GET TO KNOW YOURSELF
What’s hotter for your man than seeing you writhe in pleasure and, ultimately, orgasm? Women who know their own needs and desires tend to be better in bed.
When you know what you want – and ask for it – you’ll have a better time and be more engaged. Your man may even appreciate that you can guide him rather than having to guess at what you want in bed. It’s not just you who wants to know how to be good in bed. One study found that “[m]en reported significantly higher expectations in sexual situations than women in all… [sexual] areas” .
So help him out!
Partners who are proactive are definitely better in bed. And you reap the benefit of getting your man to touch you the way you need and want.
The easiest way to get to know yourself is through masturbation. Use these 7 steps to masturbate yourself to orgasm. More than 1/3 of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, and just as many think their orgasms feel better with clit stim .
Many women respond especially well to sex toys. Discover 20 toys you can add to your nightstand for better sex. You can even use some of those toys with your man.
Find out what you like, then tell or show your man how to do those things to you when you’re in the throes of passion.
A confident lover is a good lover. If you’re confident with your body, your skills, and even your relationship, you’re likely to strip down, have fun, and try new things. But if you’re worried about your looks, anxious about your performance (a common issue with sexual function ), or how your partner feels about you, you’ll likely be more reserved. Although some people just have more reserved personalities, being able to let loose is one of the things that makes sex good. Otherwise, you could just wind up monitoring your performance, something that women commonly do and is known as “spectatoring” [16 p 41 ].
But having confidence makes taking your clothes off, initiating sex, asking for what you want, and letting go that much easier. Another benefit of confidence is not being super timid, which can be a turnoff to a guy if you’re always like that.
Unfortunately, some people try to get confidence from the approval of others. It may boost your self-esteem to know that your partner loves you and finds you desirable, but those things won’t help at the end of the day if you simply have no confidence. That sense of self-assuredness has to come from within.
One particular area where women lack confidence is getting on top during sex. However, you can learn to ride your man with confidence.
Confidence can also help you be better at talking dirty. Talking dirty is so much more powerful when you can say something slowly and confidently without breaking the tension.
If you’re struggling with confidence, you might find it helpful to discuss these issues with a professional therapist.
Finally, when we say “confidence,” we do not mean “arrogance.” Don’t assume you know everything and have nothing left to learn. You need to be open to suggestion and, from time to time, criticism. Arrogance can negate an important aspect of being great in bed: learning.
3. BE ENTHUSIASTIC
If we were to pick a single thing that makes you good in bed, it would be this: enthusiasm. Enthusiasm in bed makes up for nearly any other shortcoming. Your technique doesn’t have to be perfect, and you don’t have to be super experienced if you just show some enthusiasm.
When you’re enthusiastic you:
- Show your partner that you want to have sex with him.
- Let your man know that you find him desirable.
- Communicate what you like.
- Create sexual tension — more on that here.
- Make the moment more pleasurable.
I know this sounds like a tall order, but enthusiasm is such a powerful tool. Don’t underestimate it.
But what does enthusiasm look like? It means being receptive to the idea of having sex or even initiating sex yourself. Learn how to initiate sex.
Enthusiasm means hopping on top, asking for what you want and taking your pleasure into your own hands — literally.
Keep in mind that your enthusiasm should be genuine. You don’t need to scream or break your headboard. Just show your partner that you want to be there.
Enthusiasm turns sex, which is a good thing, into an amazing, passionate act. Passionate sex can be uninhibited and wild, making you forget where — and sometimes who — you are. This leads us to our next point.
4. LET GO
The best sex usually happens when you can let go. Stop thinking about all the cleaning you have to do once you have an orgasm. Forget about the projects at work. Stop judging yourself or your partner.
Furthermore, forget any sex-negative ideas you may have been taught and internalized. This includes anything that a woman “should” or “shouldn’t” do or think regarding sex. For instance, many of us were taught not to have sex before marriage, even though it’s common. As a woman, you may have learned that masturbating is bad and not a normal and healthy habit.
Women are often slut-shamed for being too interested in sex, dressing a certain way, or having too many partners. You might hold the same opinions about women, including yourself.
As a bad girl who wants to fulfill her sexuality, you need to examine which of these attitudes are helpful. And if they’re not? Ditch them! You can choose how your sexuality looks. As long as everyone consents and no one is hurt, it’s your life and your choice!
Some of these very behaviors may be brakes that make it hard to feel desire and make feeling good and achieving orgasm even harder. Some of these attitudes are hangups that prevent you from having great sex and being good in bed.
You’ll find some of these specific attitudes laid out in our guide to improving your sex life.
For example, if you judge what your partner likes in bed, he may not be fulfilled. Resentment can build on both sides. Your relationship may struggle.
But judging yourself is just as bad. It might lead to guilt, decreased self-worth, and an inability to open up and be vulnerable with your lover. That’s obviously crucial to being a good partner in bed as well as connecting both in and out of the bedroom.
When you let go, you can make all the sounds and movements that simply feel good. You can get in touch with your primal side and touch yourself or your partner in ways that feel good without worrying how your tummy or butt looks in a certain position, what the neighbors think, or what anyone else is doing in bed. Sometimes sloppy, sweaty, animalistic sex if what you need, not to be prim and proper.
Letting go is freeing. Once you experience sexual liberty like that, you’ll never want to go back.
5. DISCOVER WHAT MAKES YOUR PARTNER TICK
Did you know that women are more likely to have orgasms when they’re having sex with a longterm partner than during a first-time or casual encounter ? It’s true! Part of the reason is that you become more comfortable with your man over time, but there’s something else at play here. The more you have sex, the more you learn about your man’s sexual preferences and desires.
A large part of being good in bed is learning what your partner likes.
Remember, you’ll need to focus on what he likes and not what your ex liked. Maybe there are a few different positions he prefers more than any other position. Or maybe he likes it when you give him a blow job in a certain way. Or he might hate it when you talk dirty to him, but he loves it when you dress up in some sexy lingerie.
If you’re truly interested in learning how to be a good lover, then you want to learn everything about your partner. Everyone likes different things, which is why it’s so hard to tell you exactly how to be good in bed.
But if you pay attention to your man, you’ll notice how his body language, breathing, moaning, and facial expressions change when you do something he likes (or something he doesn’t like).
It’s a great sign if he’s relaxed when you hop into bed. You can also look for these signs that your partner likes what’s going on:
- He pushes his body closer to you
- He grinds his hips or thrusts against you
- His breathing quicks
- He moans or gasps
- He inhales quickly (this sometimes can be a sign of pain, so pay attention!)
- He bites his lip
- He becomes silent, especially before orgasm
- He becomes so focused he doesn’t notice anything else or perhaps cannot even speak
You probably recognize these signs as things you do in bed when your partner is especially skillful.
Women and men aren’t that different, after all. Some men can be harder to read than others, of course.
However, it’s not all about body language. There’s a way you can learn what your partner likes directly: talk to him about it.
Talking about sex is difficult, but it becomes easier the more you do it. So make it a habit early on in your relationship, even if it’s only a friends with benefits relationship. This can help you to have more satisfying sex .
When you discuss sex, you can ask what your man likes or dislikes. Find out what he wants to try.
There are tons of techniques and tools to make talking about sex easier. We talk about many of them in our guide to sexual communication.
Sometimes our lovers haven’t gotten to know themselves well enough or struggle with words to describe their sexuality. Unfortunately, society discourages talking about sex, even though it’s healthy and necessary. Remember to be patient but encouraging during these times. You may have to rely more on body language than words in these moments.
If he’s really struggling to communicate, you might want to start with an article about how to please your man.
Remember not to take any preferences negatively. You may not want to do everything that your partner likes, but you should try some of the things. Remember, there is no “should” when it comes to sex. For example, most men masturbate with their hands to create a sensation similar to sex, but your lover may not. If that’s the case, you can work together to find a way to be sexual together that mimics his solo routine.
6. LEARN HOW TO GIVE A KILLER BLOW JOB
Okay, so we said we wouldn’t focus on a ton of specific techniques when teaching you how to be good in bed, but blow jobs are the exception. Why? Almost every man loves it when his partner goes down on him.
A large part of the Bad Girls Bible is devoted to the art of giving your man an incredible blow job. You’ll find tried and 19 tested blow job tips that will knock his socks off and techniques that you should use on your man to give him better oral sex than he has ever had before.
There are so many different things you can do during a blow job with your man that sometimes a lot of girls forget about the most important thing that you need to do for every blow job you give your man: showing enthusiasm.
When you give your man a blow job a huge part to turning him on is being enthusiastic about it and enjoying it. You probably feel the exact same when your man goes down on you.
It’s a real turn off when he acts disinterested or even repulsed. But when he really enjoys what he is doing, then you both enjoy it a whole lot more. So the next time you go down on your man, make sure to be more enthusiastic about it and make sure you also use some of the blow job tips from the links above.
If you’re looking for help with specific techniques, click here to find out how to make him cum hard.
7. EXPLORE HIS (AND YOUR) FANTASIES
The advice up until this point sets you up to be a good lover who will want to do things such as explore your partner’s fantasies in bed. Exploring fantasies can also make sex better for you. Who among us hasn’t fantasized during sex? Many people have a specific fantasy that they return to time after time.
Among the most common fantasies are group sex, romantic sex (tips here), BDSM, novelty, taboo and forbidden sex, partner sharing, and same-sex or genderbending sex [21 p 11]. If your fantasies fall into one of those categories, it’s likely your partner will share them. But if your man has some differing fantasies, he’ll definitely think you’re good in bed if you try to make some of his fantasies come true! You might even try writing down your fantasies to specifically look for ones that might be turn-ons for your partner .
Even if you don’t want to try out your fantasies in real life, you might find that simply sharing them with your partner turns you on like crazy. And if some fantasizes aren’t realistic, you and your partner can roleplay (learn more) as a way to fulfill some of those fantasies.
8. KEEP UP THE NOVELTY
Once you’re confident, understanding of your own desire, and have learned about your partner, you might think that you know how to be good in bed. You wouldn’t be wrong, but you don’t want to stop there if you want to be great in bed. The more you learn and explore, the more you can blow your partner’s mind in the bedroom!
Novelty is one way to do this. Having sex in different settings, in new positions, with new tools, and potentially with different people adds a shock of excitement into your sex life. It can keep the spark there whether you’ve been together five years or five decades.
The Bad Girls Bible has a massive library of different sex positions for you to try. They range from straightforward and easy all the way to some very exotic positions that require a good bit of flexibility. Want to try something different? Here are 31 crazy sex positions you won’t believe!
This is important because attention tends to drift after you’ve been with a person for a while. Men, especially, are known to become bored with the same partner and sexual routines. This is known as the Coolidge Effect , named after the U.S. president, and it occurs in several species of animals too – not just humans .
Of course, there’s no excuse for cheating, but some people suspect that the Coolidge Effect may be one factor why men cheat because sexual interest increases with a new partner — in humans as among animals such as rats [25, 26] . So adding novelty could potentially keep that from happening. However, there are many reasons why men cheat, and you can’t control another person’s behavior. Furthermore, sexual novelty won’t save a relationship that’s otherwise in trouble.
9. HAVE FUN
It’s all about having fun and not comparing yourself to anyone else. If you’re having fun, your man will notice, and he’ll have fun, too.
Learn to laugh in bed. Sex can be messy and awkward. If you’re uptight about it or make a big deal about the things that can naturally go wrong, then you might have a bad time.
But if you can laugh it off, something like queefing or an awkward position becomes a little deal that doesn’t sour the whole experience in anyone’s mind.
Remember, being good in bed isn’t about following a script. It’s about being you and having fun.
If you follow these steps in order every time, you’ll seem robotic and certainly not spontaneous. Chances are, you won’t have that much fun, either.
You don’t need to go down on your man every time or aim for a minimum number of sex positions as long as you’re having a good time. Nor must you fill every moment of silence with dirty talk. However, you want to pepper these things in naturally, so your sex life will never become mundane, and both you and your man will be satiated.
Your man will be impressed with how good you are in bed that he might even brag about you to his friends if you follow this advice!