You always hear about guys having commitment issues, but it’s natural for women to have certain commitment issues, too. If you have too many of them, however, and if they are too strong, your commitment issues can keep you from leading a happy and fulfilled life.
We are not suggesting that a woman has to have a man to be fulfilled. Women can lead a full life being single. They can lead companies, travel, and do whatever they want. Plus getting married or settling down for the wrong reasons might be worse in the long run than being alone. Check out some of the reasons people get married.
But if your goal is to settle down with someone and maybe raise a family, and the only reason you aren’t is that you have commitment issues, you can do something about that.
To understand the reason you’re having such a difficult time committing and possibly sabotaging your relationships before they even begin, we’ll discuss the roots of some common commitment issues that you may have as a woman so that you can learn how to get over them.
1. YOU’RE AFRAID YOU HAVEN’T CHOSEN THE RIGHT GUY
This commitment issue comes from the right place. Settling down with the person you hope will be your partner for life is a huge decision, and you need to make sure you choose the right guy. But if you constantly question whether this guy’s the one, you might be letting the right guy for you slip away. Here are five ways to tell this guy might be the right guy:
You both bring out each other’s best qualities. You two are better with each other than you are alone. You encourage him to grow and try new things, and he does the same for you.
You trust each other. If this is the right guy for you, you won’t be second-guessing his motives for the things he does or being suspicious of what he’s doing when you aren’t around. You trust that he will do the right thing.
You share core values and beliefs. Although you don’t have to agree on everything, you should share the same core values, whether they are religious or spiritual, or whether they are on how you believe you should live your lives.
You have fun together. You like being with each other and share many of the same interests.
You’re not critical of him. You instead care for him. And he feels the same way about you. Neither of you has the need to put each other down or criticize each other.
2. YOU’RE AFRAID YOU’LL GET BORED WITH HIM
You know that after a while, boredom’s probably going to set in when you’re in a long-term relationship, which makes this a common commitment issue. You have two options here: never settle down and continually live a life filled with strings of different guys, or create ways to make the relationship with the guy you love fun and interesting. Here are three ideas if you picked the second choice:
Keep communicating. When you’re in a relationship, after a while you might stop talking about issues that matter to you, thinking that was what you did while you were dating. But it’s important to set aside time each week, or even daily, to sit down and really talk and listen to each other about matters that are important to you and to your man. When you listen to each other, you show each other that you still care.
Keep the element of surprise alive. One reason relationships become boring is that they fall into routines. By surprising each other every so often, you keep the excitement going. Maybe he surprises you with a weekend getaway that he’s made all the arrangements for, or maybe you buy him a little gift for no particular reason that you know he’ll appreciate.
Tap into your sexual fantasies, and encourage him to do so as well. Exploring different parts of your sexuality keeps you from having routine sex all the time. Make a date to go to a sex shop together for inspiration. Read more about the most common sexual fantasies here.
YOU GET STRESSED OUT ANYTIME A GUY GETS CLOSE TO YOU
You’ve conditioned yourself, like a dog that salivates when it hears the word “dinner,” to become stressed anytime a guy gets close to you. This commitment issue could happen for several reasons. Once you understand what triggers your stress, you can learn to overcome this feeling. Here are two possible reasons:
You try to prove yourself on a date. Just thinking about a first date might stress you out, making you feel as if you’re on a job interview. Instead of trying to win this date as you would try to land a job, just hang out and see whether you and he naturally have a good time. Don’t put pressure on yourself. You’ll either have a good time or you won’t.
You wonder whether the relationship will work out. Worrying about whether he’ll break up with you could stress you out so much that you cause the break up to happen. Relax, and take the relationship one day at a time. As you become closer, you can start having talks that let you both know if you both feel as if you are right for each other.
4. YOU GET UNCOMFORTABLE TALKING ABOUT DEEP ISSUES
Part of being committed to someone is being able to talk about deep issues. But many people like to keep the topics of discussion at a superficial level, maybe because they have a fear of intimacy. That’s OK, but at some point, you’ll need to talk about more interesting and meaningful fare, or you’re relationship will probably become boring. Take some time to get to know yourself, so you can feel more comfortable having deep discussions with your guy.
Once you realize you can have these sorts of discussions, there is no need for you to feel uncomfortable and to have this sort of commitment issue anymore. Here are some examples of deep issues you can talk about:
You can have philosophical discussions, such as a talk of freewill. You can also discuss marriage and what your thoughts are on that topic. It’s better to wait a while into the relationship before you bring up marriage, however, for fear of scaring him off.
You might want to share your childhood memories. Talk about how your childhood experiences shaped who you are today. You can also discuss what you like about yourself and what you would like to change. Then he can share the same with you.
You can also talk about politics or religion in an in-depth way. It’s important that the two of you can discuss these sorts of issues.
5. YOU THINK OF A WAY OUT RIGHT AWAY
Ending a relationship before it even gets started is a pretty common commitment issue. That way, you can hurt him before he hurts you. You can say you ended it before he does. People often do this when they’ve been hurt before. But you don’t have to keep doing this. If you were hurt before, realize that you can get over it.
Ask yourself whether it’s really better to avoid the possible pain of rejection, or whether you want to try. After all, if you push him away first, you ensure you’ll be alone. If you try, you might find that it actually does work out.
6. YOU THINK HE’S TOO GOOD FOR YOU
You shouldn’t assume that he’s better than you are. You might be suffering from low self-esteem if you feel this way. Take some time to develop yourself. Once you feel good about yourself, you shouldn’t automatically feel as if a guy is too good for you. Give the relationship a chance. You might be surprised to find that you are both equals when it comes to love.
7. YOU THINK YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM
You might have so many preconceived notions of what makes someone worthy of you that you miss seeing people for whom they are in this commitment issue. Being picky and judgmental is a defense mechanism. You tell yourself he’s not good enough because you’re afraid he might not want you, and this goes back to you not feeling good about yourself.
You also shouldn’t care whether your friends think he’s handsome enough or rich enough, if you feel as if he makes you happy and is the right one for you, that’s what really matters.
8. THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE OUT THERE
Because it’s so easy to connect with people through social media, it’s also easy to back away from relationships, knowing there “is more where that came from.”
But you don’t have to continue the pattern.
Just because it’s easy to meet people, doesn’t mean you have to keep looking. Try dating the old-fashioned way, one person at a time. Have him make a date with you, and then get to know each other before you decide to have sex. Having casual sex too soon is another culprit of why people back away before they’ve even had a relationship.
Commitment issues arise for many reasons. It’s good to carefully consider the man you form a relationship with. But if you let your commitment issues always get in the way and find that you can never sustain a relationship, you might be letting your issues cloud reality.
Once you understand whether he’s really not the right guy for you versus whether your commitment issues are holding you back, you should be able to have a fulfilling relationship. You have the power to take control of your life instead of letting your commitment issues take over.