When we talk about sexuality, there’s a lot of ground to cover. Perhaps one of the most basic topics is how we describe sex. For many people, the idea of having sex connotes simple physicality versus the idea of making love, which is more emotionally connected and involves being in love with your partner.
You’re not alone if you’re a woman who desires that connection via sex. The media argues that only women make this distinction, but there are many men who also see a clear distinction between having sex and what it means to make love. For many couples, achieving this level of connection is the ultimate goal in the bedroom. However, not everyone knows how to make love.
The following advice can help you learn how to make love to your man and set those experiences apart from sex you’ve had previously.
1. SET THE SCENE
Imagine any of the great love making scenes from Hollywood. More often than not, the lighting is dimmed, the doors are locked and a sensual or sexy song – like the ones in this list – is playing in the background. It doesn’t matter that many of those things are edited into the film after the initial filming.
Make sure your space is warm, clean and inviting. Change the sheets. Burn a scented candle. Clean up a little beforehand so that the scene you’re making would be fitting in a movie.
If you keep your bedroom a quiet sanctuary, this won’t be hard to do. On the other hand, it might be harder to do with little ones running around or roommates in the house. Consider hiring a babysitter or even renting a hotel room for the night when you want to make love. Many hotels offer romantic packages too!
2. EXPRESS YOUR LOVE
Sometimes, when you make love, it’s not because it’s well thought out. Instead, it’s because you’ve overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings. This is sometimes the case for teens who are lost in love and chose to have sex for the first time.
You can replicate this by taking time to show and tell your man how much you love him. Make sure you’ve got plenty of time and you won’t be interrupted. Check out this post and these ideas to show him your love. Perhaps plan a romantic dinner in your favorite restaurant or plan a meal to be waiting for him when he gets home after work. After all, it’s hard not to feel the emotion after a romantic date.
Your expressions of devotion shouldn’t stop once sex begins, either. Tell him you love him during the act. It will make everything feel that much more intense. Of course, if you’ve only been dating a little while, you might want to hold off on those three little words. More on that here.
3. TAKE YOUR TIME
If you’re in a rush, you’ll probably be disappointed when you want to make love but wind up falling short. You’ve got to slow things down to make love. We literally mean slowing the pace and taking more time to get to the final event.
Dedicating time to foreplay is a great way to learn how to make love. Plus, it helps ensure you’ll orgasm at all, a concern than many of our readers share. Take as much time as you need to. Trace your fingers across every inch of his skin. Memorize the way he smells, tastes and feels. Slow your breathing.
Love making isn’t a race or about the goal. It’s the journey that matters.
4. STAY IN THE MOMENT
For many people, their overactive minds take them out of the moment, which isn’t what you want when you’re learning how to make love. You can help yourself stay in the moment with a few practices, which should come easily if you’ve ever participated in guided meditation or tried your hand at Tantric sex. More about that in this post.
Whenever you recognize your mind is wandering, focus on the pleasure you’ve giving or receiving. Notice how your head, your arms and hands, your legs and feet and your core feels.
Focus on your breathing and his. If it helps, you can breathe in tandem or imagine yourself inhaling his breath and him doing the same with the breath you exhale. Imagine that breath as energy moving through your body to ground yourself.
For some people, it helps to notice stimulation of each sense. For instance, moaning can help to keep your auditory sense enthralled. Or you may need to switch positions to get your head back in the game. There’s a lot of different advice because no single thing works for every woman.
5. REMAIN CONNECTED
Part of the difference between making love and just having sex is that you and your partner remain connected. The same care you use outside of the bedroom can help you master how to make love and bring your love making to another level inside the bedroom.
Do this by making eye contact, using each other’s names and focusing on providing pleasure rather than just getting yours. Because eye contact helps to keep you grounded and connected, you might prefer to stick to positions like missionary or cowgirl, where you can make eye contact with your man. Many people feel that doggy style or anal sex, for example, are incompatible with love making. However, that’s entirely up to you!
You can also hold hands and wrap your arms around him like you’re hugging to keep your body entirely connected while you make love. Bury your face in his neck, where you can moan directly into his ear. Kissing is a big difference between making love and having sex, too. Some people never kiss people they’re not in love with! Check out this advice to kiss passionately.
Obviously, it’s difficult or even impossible to feel like you’re making love with a one-night stand. While we completely suggest trying casual sex if it’s up your alley, this isn’t the time. Furthermore, you’re going to have an easier time achieving those loving feelings with someone whom you trust, emotionally and physically.
6. CUM TOGETHER
Now, it’s not necessarily easy or possible for you and your man to orgasm at the same time, but doing so will certainly make you feel like you’re making love as opposed to just having sex. There are a few steps you can take to make this easier.
For starters, know how long it takes you to get off and what you need to do. If it typically takes you much longer to get to the point of no return than it does your man, starting with oral sex or manual stimulation might be necessary.
If you’re able to follow our advice to become multi orgasmic, you might be able to control when you cum to share the moment with your man. Additionally, consider edging, where you bring yourself just to the edge of orgasm but back off, to facilitate an explosive orgasm when you want it.
After you’ve orgasmed, remain connected through cuddling or talking. Laugh in bed. Perhaps take a nap. It’s difficult to feel as though you’ve just made love if one or both of you runs off to do other things!
Although making love is wonderful, it can be hard to sustain those feelings time after time. It’s important to bring new life into the bedroom and keep things fresh. Check out our archives about keeping your sex life fun. Remember that just because you bring toys into the bedroom doesn’t have to mean you’re no longer making love. It’s all how you go about it.
Furthermore, don’t think that there is any one way to make love. For some couples, making love looks a lot like a BDSM scene, complete with exchange of energy and emotions. Just like you can’t tell how love feels from the outside, it’s impossible for you to know whether a couple feels like they’re making love. Of course, sexy movie scenes look like love making, but they’re not. It’s all perspective.
Finally, keep in mind that you’re unlikely to achieve the sort of calculated perfection you see on your TV screen. These sort of expectations can lead to disappointment and even resentment. Real sex can be messy, silly, awkward, uncomfortable and more. But that shouldn’t take away from the experience you’ve having with the person you love.
For many people, there’s no greater way to connect with their partner than to make love. It’s the utmost in vulnerability, and there’s nothing greater than to show love to someone who you know loves you back.