When it comes to sex, women often need more of the same for longer periods of time than men do. This discrepancy can certainly lead to sexual frustration for many women, especially if you’re having phallocentric sex that focuses on when your partner gets off and not your own pleasure.
However, you don’t need to be doomed to a life of short or even mediocre sex. Good sex is definitely a skill that can be learned. Plus, you and your man can be more in sync about making sex last longer if you take the time to talk about it.
First, you should identify why sex might not last as long as you want and eliminate those causes if you can.
HOW TO MAKE SEX LAST LONGER? LOOK AT THE CAUSE!
If you’re not getting enough pleasure out of sex with your man or you find that he finishes with you just on the edge (in an unpleasant way, not like edging), then you might think something is wrong with you, your partner or the two of you as a couple. This isn’t true, however! Sex naturally lasts varying amounts of time, even with the same partner!
In fact, several surveys come up with an average of seven minutes for the typical sex run time. That’s shorter than most of us think it should be, even though there’s no ideal length for sex just like there’s no specific number of times you should have sex per month. More on that here.
Still, it can take longer for a woman to get hers in bed, which is why you might be concerned that sex isn’t lasting long enough. And there certainly are a few reasons why this might be:
1. YOU MAN SUFFERS FROM PREMATURE EJACULATION OR ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION.
Boners aren’t always as simple as we think they are, and his health may lead to less than satisfying sex. A trip to the doctor might be in order if this is the case. He might tell you it’s because of low testosterone or something else that’s completely treatable.
2. MEDICATIONS ARE INTERFERING.
No one wants high blood pressure, but the same medication that relieves this might also make it hard for him to get and stay hard. Adjusting his medication may do the trick (just make sure to talk to his doctor before you make any adjustments!), or you can try cock rings, which keep the blood in his shaft longer. Learn more about cock rings.
3. HE GETS TIRED.
Thrusting and holding yourself above your partner is tiring work, especially for someone who’s not used to manual labor. Of course, it’s also fun, but that doesn’t mean your man can go forever. We recommend switching things up. Choose positions where you’re sitting, so there’s less stress on muscles and joints. Consider hopping on top. He’ll love the view, you can control the action and it can make you feel powerful to boot! Another benefit of switching things up? It reduces stimulation of his penis, so he might last longer!
4. HE DOESN’T KNOW YOU’RE NOT HAPPY.
If you’re putting on a good show in the bedroom, or even if you are enjoying yourself, your man might have no idea you want things to last longer! This is why talking about sex is so important, even though it’s such a tricky subject! Check out this article to learn how to bring up any issues you have, things you’d like to try or even praises you have for him in the bedroom. It can get him thinking how to make sex last longer, too.
5. YOU DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME.
We all understand how busy life can be. If you don’t make time for sex, you don’t have time for it. It’s as simple as that. Of course, this doesn’t fit with the view that sex should always be spontaneously romantic, but we live in the real world! Scheduling sex is practical and it can be sexy for you to prepare for an upcoming sexual romp. Morning sex – more on that here – can also help you fit it into your schedule. This doesn’t mean that a quickie can’t be fun – it absolutely can be – but you’ve got to make sex a priority sometimes.
6. YOU LACK PRIVACY.
You might have plenty of time for sex, but do you have privacy? Maybe you share a flat with roommates, have kids or often entertain guests. Whatever the reason, you might be worried that someone will hear you or, even worse, walk in on you! That’s not sexy nor does it bode well for lengthy sessions. There are a few steps you can take to remedy this however.
- Shut and lock your door. This lets people know you’re busy. Install a lock if needs be.
- Set boundaries for private time. Everyone deserves privacy, even if they’re not having sex! You can use this time for a little nookie, or you could just relax in a bath if you’re alone.
- Play music, turn on the TV or invest in a white noise machine to cover up the sounds of sex.
- Use a ball gag, if you’re comfortable, to muffle noises. This works well for light bondage too! More on that here.
- Consider renting a hotel room, having sex in your car or some other outside location where sex can last longer.
WHEN YOU CAN’T MAKE SEX LAST LONGER
Sometimes there’s no way how to make sex last longer, no matter what you try. That’s okay, too! There are still a few things you can do to enjoy your sex life better. The first is change your definition of sex simply from vaginal/oral/anal penetration to general sexual activity. Of course, we’re talking about foreplay!
If your man gets you off with his mouth or fingers before he even enters you, then you’re going to care a heck of a lot less if he cums a little early!
Secondly, consider adding toys to your sexual activities. You might already use them solo, but they can be a lifesaver if you find it difficult to get off during sex. Plus, it’s easier on both of you when a solid dildo or strong vibrator is doing most of the work! We’ve curated a fantastic list of recommended sex toys in this post.
Finally, make sure your head is in the right space. There’s an old cliché about how men are turned on visually and women aren’t. While this might be overstated, you and your man might become aroused differently and at different paces. Learn what you need to get turned on so you’re that much closer to getting off. This might mean sexting, wearing lingerie, masturbating during the day, reading erotica or otherwise mentally exploring your fantasies before the big moment.
QUALITY OVER QUANTITY
While we absolutely recommend trying things to make sex last longer if you want more out of the bedroom, it’s important not to get caught up on exactly how long it lasts. You don’t want to stare at the clock, which certainly won’t add to the quality of your sex.
Furthermore, you also want to avoid making your partner feel inferior by always trying the next thing. It’s good to keep your sex life interesting, but you should do so tactfully. Sure, you can try everything once, but you don’t necessarily want your sex life to look like a parade of new activities. Make sure you take time to enjoy what you’re doing. And if you don’t enjoy it? No one says you need to try it again!
On the topic of being too goal oriented, it’s also important that you don’t focus on getting off as the definition of good sex. Many women, and some men, have had amazing sex that doesn’t end in orgasm. As long as you’re happy, that’s all that matters!
While there’s no single way to make sex last longer, you can certainly take some steps to increase the length of sex or simply ensure you’ve having a better time. Communicating about sex is definitely one of the things that makes this easier. Good luck!