Women & men are very different when it comes to getting turned on. A lot of things that turn guys on DON’T turn women on and vice-versa. Here are three generalizations that sum it up…
- Most guys are turned on visually, hence the popularity of porn with men. Women are not the same; they are turned on more by how they feel and their imaginations, hence the extreme popularity of 50 Shades of Grey and romantic novels amongst women.
- Almost all guys are turned on and ready to go when they see a girl in stripper heels and a thong, even if they’ve never met her before. An anonymous guy in a G string usually doesn’t have the same effect on women. It will most likely send them running, no matter how hot he is. But put this hottie in a well-tailored suit and don’t be surprised if she swoons.
- A lot of guys get turned on by a giggling bimbo that laughs at all his jokes and is way too forward. But nothing turns off women more than some giggling dummy, who is too forward... he’s creepy.
As you can see from these examples, there are some clear differences between what turns on men and what turns on women that you need to understand to master how to turn on a girl. And, these tips may be far more important than things that are commonly popular with men, like lasting longer in bed.
Many guys already understand this, but what they don’t understand is HOW TO TAKE ADVANTAGE of these differences when it comes to turning their girl on and giving her incredible sex.
To further illustrate my point, here’s the general process for how men get turned on:
- They see something that they find hot
- Or they hear something that they find hot
- Or they think of something they find hot…
And, they are turned on and ready to go. It’s often that easy.
Here’s the general process for how women get turned on:
- They first need to have some Brakes removed to allow them to get turned on (I’m talking about things like stress, hormonal issues, shame, guilt, they feel unattractive, etc.).
- Next, they experience something that turns them on (it could be a romantic guy, a guy that cares about them, sexy memories, a bath, candles, erotica, massage, kissing, getting a bit tipsy, etc.).
- Finally, they are ready to go and eagerly want sex.
Breaking things down, you can clearly see that women need three steps to happen in order to fully let go, get turned on and enjoy incredible sex with their man.
Step 1 – Remove The Brakes To Her Sex Drive
Women often experience a number of Brakes that prevent them from getting turned on in the first place. Performing Step 2 & 3 is pointless if you don’t first help your girl overcome these Brakes to getting turned on. I explain these Brakes AND how to overcome them below.
Step 2 – Amplify The Accelerators To Her Sex Drive
As I already mentioned, women get turned on by a host of things that often have little-to-no effect on men’s arousal. I’ll show you exactly what they are and how to do them in Step 2.
Step 3 – The 73 Techniques That Will Make Her Scream & Cry With Pleasure
If you follow Step 1 (this page you’re reading right now) and Step 2 properly, your girl should be ripping your clothes off your body and be ready for sex. Once you’ve finished reading Step 1 & 2, you’ll learn how to eat her pussy, make her squirt, finger her and give her the most powerful orgasms of her life in Step 3.
So, let’s jump into Step 1…
Step 1 – Remove The Brakes To Her Sex Drive
Removing the Brakes to her sex drive is by far the most important step to getting your girl turned on and hungrier for sex than ever before, BUT…
and it’s a really big BUT…
It’s the hardest and (sometimes) the most boring part.
If you do this step correctly, then you’ll be having more enjoyable sex, more often.
If you ignore it, then Step 2 & 3 are going to be far less effective.
Let’s dive in
A bunch of research has been conducted on women’s arousal process [1, 2, 3, 4]. For most women, the first thing they need to get turned on is NOT the kind of foreplay that most guys enjoy; they need to get prepared to even be receptive to that. So, forget about kissing, talking dirty, or sexting to turn her on through text, and all that other fun stuff for now, I’ll cover that later.
First, let’s learn about these “Brakes” to her getting turned on…
According to research, people have sexual Brakes — everything that turns them off from sex in the moment — and sexual Accelerators — all the things that remind them they’re sexual beings and turn them on. This is known as the dual-control model [5, 6].
If you’re like most men with more sensitive Accelerators and less sensitive Brakes, you easily find yourself turned on.
But if your partner is like most women, her Brakes are more sensitive (even if her Accelerator is pretty sensitive) [7 p 47], and it may seem like she has a low or no sex drive. The truth is that she just needs help removing those Brakes. If you want to know how to turn a girl on, you have to understand this.
Sexual Brakes aren’t always obvious, and we’ll get to those in a moment.
Sexual Accelerators are anything that gets you going. And foreplay certainly can be an Accelerator for both men and women. As I just mentioned, the problem is that women usually have much more sensitive Brakes while men have more sensitive Accelerators. So if you jump to things that turn her on without first dealing with what might be turning her off, it’s like putting your foot on the gas pedal while the emergency Brake is still on. In short, you’ll get nowhere fast.
So the first thing women need to get in the mood is for the Brakes to their arousal to be removed or lessened. It’s almost as if her horniness is trapped in a maximum security prison and your job is to break it out. But instead of a jail cell or handcuffs or a razor-wire fence preventing her from getting horny, you are faced with a bunch of other challenges (aka Brakes) that stop her from getting her horny.
What are these Brakes? And more importantly, how do you remove them?
For women, stress is one of the biggest Brakes to their sex drive and getting in the mood for sex . Stress can even dull genital sensation and increase pain with sex .
Stress comes in many forms whether from work or from taking care of family or even from dealing with friends. Your relationship can also be a source of distress. Even dealing with a boyfriend obsessed with female ejaculation can stress her out and make it less likely.
Often, it can be very obvious and clear that your wife or girlfriend is suffering from stress. I’m talking about the obvious stuff here like losing a job, dealing with a sick child or having a car crash. However, most of the time it’s much more subtle…perhaps someone said something bitchy about her presentation skills at work, a friend snubbed her by forgetting to invite her to a party, or she didn’t earn as much as she hoped she would by 30 (or some other age).
The key to her overcoming this Brake is by helping her to de-stress. This can take many forms, but here are a few examples.
Stress at Home – If she is dealing with stress from home life like looking after kids and being responsible for more than she can comfortably manage, then you need to start thinking of ways to lighten her load. Can you hire a nanny to look after the kids for a few hours per week? Could you do this yourself? What about getting someone to help around the house, so she has some time to relax. Even something as small as getting a babysitter one night a week can go a long way in allowing her to de-stress somewhat.
Stress at her Job – The same is true for her job. If she is driven to the end of her tether with work stress, then it’s going to be much harder to unwind and get turned on. This kind of stress is a little harder to quench. Ideally, she could work less or take some time off, but for many, this is not an option. So you need to figure out what you can do to help her unwind. Can you take care of some chores she normally takes care of when she get’s home? Think about what else you can do to make her life easier when she does get home, so she has time to unwind.
Other Stress – Two of the biggest reasons that your wife or girlfriend will be stressed is due to family or professional issues, but there are lots of other areas where stress can arise. Now, I don’t want to make this guide all about stress relief, but I do want to give you the solutions. So if your partner is stressed, here are a few ways she can deal with stress, so it no longer acts as a Brake to her sex drive.
Solutions To Stress
Meditation – Multiple studies have found that meditation can lower perceived stress to different degrees [10, 11, 12, 13]. A related practice known as mindfulness can also help you better cope with stress [14, 15, 16]. Plus, mindfulness has been found to increase sexual function [17, 18, 19].
Avoiding stimulants or drugs like caffeine, cocaine, etc. that can contribute to stress – Studies on stimulants have found an increase in physiological stress as measured by cortisol levels . While this is not always a negative thing, curb your stimulant use if you notice an increase in psychological stress. Stimulants can also disturb your sleep , another source of stress.
Better sleep hygiene – Sleep and stress go hand in hand. If you’re getting poor sleep, you may feel more stress . And if you’re stressed, you’re less likely to get quality sleep . To avoid this cycle, practice good sleep hygiene. This includes having a consistent sleep schedule, making sure your bedroom is dark, removing electronics and avoiding screen time before bed, avoiding caffeine or large meals before bedtime, and being physically active during the day .
Yoga – Yoga is a type of exercise that involves stretching and breathing as well as meditation. Studies have found yoga to be effective at reducing stress [25, 26, 27].
Nature walks – One 2010 study found that taking a walk in nature resulted in lower levels of blood cortisol, a sign of stress . So drive out to the country or find your nearest park to enjoy the scenery.
Talking to someone– There’s a saying that “a problem shared is a problem halved.” By speaking to someone about stress, a person can feel as though they’re bearing a lighter load. This might be one reason why having strong friendships is essential to being happy and healthy. At least one study has found that participants report less stress after counselling  while another found that “seeking help” and “expressing feelings” were among the most effective coping strategies for stress .
Improving her diet – Although you might not realize the correlation between diet and stress, it’s there. Diet can not only affect stress  but poor diet can lead to health concerns down the line that increase stress . The two of you can embark on a healthier nutritional path together.
Getting a massage – Getting a massage can help reduce stress and increase feelings of relaxation [33, 34, 35] A professional massage might be costly, but you can give your partner a massage at home. Not only does it reduce stress, but touch can facilitate intimacy to make her horny
Identifying and removing stressful things where possible – Perhaps the most effective way to lower stress is to eliminate it from your lives. There’s no simple answer here as there’s a near infinite number of stressors that can combine to cause a person stress. However, switching jobs, hiring help at home, reducing obligations outside of the home, and learning how to better manage finances may all contribute to lower stress levels.
It might also help to remind your wife or girlfriend that there’s no prize for dealing with high levels of stress. Being happy is a much better prize!
Figuring out effective coping strategies for those things that can’t be avoided – Some stressors just can’t be avoided. Aging parents, children, or demanding jobs are all examples of stress, some of which we choose. Rather than getting rid of the problem, we can learn to cope. One study found that problem-focused coping resulted in lowered stress levels . Coping strategies can vary from meditation and counseling, which were already addressed, to better time-management tools, talking to superiors at work, or trying to resolve conflict within relationships.
Whatever you choose to do, avoiding stress can actually lead to more .
Feeling That She Is Taken For Granted
Everyone feels that they are taken for granted from time to time. It’s not just unique to women, but in the case of women, it becomes a serious Brake to her sex drive.
Now, you can read this and pretend that you are the perfect guy and never take anyone for granted, but the truth is that we all do it from time to time. And, just because your girl doesn’t complain about it, it doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel taken for granted sometimes. I’m going to give you a few obvious and stereotypical examples to illustrate my point.
Here are some examples…
1. Let’s pretend your girl is a stay at home mom, responsible for looking after your kids and keeping the house running smoothly. She’s not getting a salary and benefits for this job and it may actually be more stressful than yours. So, if you are treating her like she has a charmed life, while you’re the only one “working,” then I can guarantee you that she feels taken for granted.
2. Anytime she is trying to improve herself for you or your relationship or even just for herself, you need to acknowledge it.
3. Anytime that you can see her putting in a lot of effort without shouting about it, acknowledging her for this is going to go a long way
As well as acknowledging her for the effort that she puts in, it’s also important that you are proactive about it by asking her if she ever feels like she is taken for granted and then genuinely trying to recognize what she does for you and those around her. Doing this will go a long way to removing this Brake.
Recognizing that she sometimes feels taken for granted actually has a lot in common with the next Brake that you need to address.
Feeling That You Don’t Understand Her
“Feeling understood” by your partner is a very important aspect of a relationship for many (but not all) women. It’s that feeling that you have someone on your side, that understands why you feel good or bad about certain situations. If she feels that you have no idea of what’s going on in her head, then this is going to become a serious Brake to her sex drive.
Here are some examples…
1. You understand why she doesn’t like someone at work or someone in her friend group that is more of a frenemy than a true friend.
2. You understand why she sometimes feels insecure about something important to her like her body, level of education, achievements to date or level of career success.
3. You understand why something that happened to her when she was much younger still affects her to this day.
Feeling that you understand her is going to make her much more comfortable and more deeply connected to you, making it much easier for her to become turned on.
Of course, it’s impossible to understand everything about your partner, but at a minimum, you should listen and TRY to understand her point of view on things.
A lack of trust can become a major Brake to your girl’s sex drive. Trust is vital to making her feel comfortable, making it easy for her to open up to you, be vulnerable and let go.
Telling you how to build trust is tricky because everyone needs to see and experience different traits from a partner in order to trust them. These include everything from:
- Being honest.
- Being transparent.
- Being patient.
- Being consistent. i.e., Following through on what you say you’ll do.
- Not playing games.
- Never trying to manipulate.
- Being open to talking about the difficult things without rushing to judge or criticize.
- Trusting her.
When you remove this Brake and your partner truly trusts you, it’s so much easier for her to relax…which allows her to get turned on more easily and therefore orgasm more easily.
Reducing the amount of stress she feels, not taking her for granted, making sure she feels understood by you and building a deep level of trust between you and your partner are the sometimes hard-to-describe problems that act as major Brakes to her sex drive.
They can sometimes be hard to fix but are vital if you want your partner to get turned on more often and more easily. Next is the equally important but thankfully easier to solve problems that act as Brakes to her sex drive.
Understanding the Stages in her Menstrual Cycle
Women, like most mammals, go into a sort of “heat” when they are most likely to get pregnant – during the ovulation stage of the menstrual cycle . Researchers have identified a “sexual phase” that many women experience around ovulation [39, 40]. This phase of increased sexual desire is not as pronounced as in other mammals; however, it can be tracked. For most women, ovulation occurs at the midpoint of the cycle.
You can help your partner track ovulation periods if she doesn’t already either by using an app or by counting…Count from the first day of the menstrual cycle until the day before the next one begins. Divide the number of days by two. This midpoint is when ovulation occurs. For instance – if the total cycle is 30 days, ovulation occurs on day 15.
Desire is usually lowest on the days before her period when women experience PMS (Premenstrual syndrome) . Cramps and other physical pain definitely have a way of acting as a Brake to her sex drive, but this is obviously not unique to women. Physical pain reduces the sex drive in both genders but may do so more often in women . However, women may experience pain that is specific to the pelvic area, which can make sex physically impossible, unlike a man.
One reason that women experience pain during sex is because of a well-endowed partner, so it might not be worth worry how to make your penis bigger if she is experiencing pain.
Note that some women are especially horny just before their periods and some experience increased desire during their periods .
Stopping her period is not practical, but being aware of this natural Brake to her sex drive will help you plan around it or to help her better deal with pain on the worst days.
In most cases, women going through menopause will experience a marked reduction in their sex drive. Menopause is defined by the reduction of the sex hormones – estrogen – in the female body . This acts as a serious Brake to the sex drive of most women as they will experience a reduced sensitivity to touching and decreased blood flow to erogenous zones, creating a more difficult arousal process.
After menopause, regular sex is the best natural way to keep blood flowing to the sexual organs and maintain ongoing arousal. Hormone therapy has also been proven to help some women maintain libido and increase sensitivity.
Studies have shown that exercise improves sex drive in women of all ages . Sex is all about blood flow and the mind/body connection. Exercise also helps improve self-esteem and the physical aesthetic of the body.
A sedentary lifestyle is a dangerous Brake to her sex drive. However, too much exercise can also be a problem as well. A program that is too intense leaves the body with no energy for sex, as it redirects all of the body’s resources to physical recovery. The ideal exercise level for most women is just over 20 minutes of moderate-intense exercise per day with muscle-strengthening activities twice weekly 
Experiencing, or even witnessing, a sexual assault can cause a woman to feel uncomfortable with a partner . Nervous energy acts as a Brake to her sex drive as it inhibits blood flow to erogenous zones. It also keeps the brain from releasing serotonin, a hormone that increases feelings of happiness and also triggers the body to release estrogen.
A non-sexual assault may have the same effects on the female sex drive, although not as pronounced.
Patience and professional therapy are the two keys in overcoming both sexual and non-sexual trauma. Begin a program of professional treatment, and lead your partner slowly into comfort with you by first making her feel comfortable in non-sexual situations.
Sexual shame in women can come from many sources, or multiple sources and act as a very hard Brake to her getting turned on. As mentioned above, sexual trauma may be a source of sexual shame. However, religious beliefs, personal beliefs, and social pressures may also play a part. In many case, shame leads to physical anxiety , which leads to a lower sex drive.
In many cases, religion, personal beliefs and social pressures are intertwined with each other. Women who are sexually liberated are often viewed unfavorably in all of these social circles. Each of these groups may also contain many of the same people.
If sexual shame comes from a violent trauma, it is usually best to enlist the aid of a professional therapist. Shame in other respects can be dealt with similarly or approached by introducing alternative perspectives to your partner.
It is important that your partner make her own decisions about sexual behavior – never attempt to force a new belief on her. Besides, this often has the reverse effect and may cause her to hold on more tightly to her current beliefs.
Birth Complications Can Become A Brake To Her Sex Drive
10 to 15% percent of women will experience postpartum hemorrhaging after birth . Hemorrhaging is most likely to occur after a C-section (cesarean birth). Postpartum hemorrhaging may occur because the uterus loses its ability to contract. This may also be connected to weakened vaginal muscles.
Prolapsing is another condition that may occur because of the weakened state of the body after giving birth. Weak vaginal muscles may allow the bladder to bulge into the roof of the vagina. It may become harder to excrete waste from the body under these conditions, but it is very important not to strain the bladder to do so.
Keep in mind that a woman may experience a lower sex drive even if there are no medical complications with a birth. “Baby blues,” also known as postpartum/depression (PPD), from hormonal fluctuations may be the cause of decreased libido. Although PPD is common enough to affect 1 out of 9 women , many women are reluctant to admit their mood after having a baby. Untreated postpartum depression can seriously impact both of you — and the baby.
The female body also loses estrogen after the birth and during breastfeeding, which may cause a drying of the vagina and less pleasure during sex [51, 52, 53]. If a woman’s physical appearance changes drastically after a pregnancy, this can lead to a loss of self-esteem which translates into a major Brake to her getting turned on.
If any of the conditions above are present, talk to a doctor immediately. Both hemorrhaging and prolapsing may escalate into more serious conditions if left untreated, and postpartum depression has led some women to end their lives. If the doctor does not recommend an intensive treatment program for physical complications, the best way to improve sex drive is Kegel exercises to strengthen pelvic muscles.
Other Common Health Problems That Can Be Brakes To Her Sex Drive
Weight – If a woman is obese , it can drastically affect her sex drive, becoming a major Brake to her getting turned on. In both cases, the body is likely having trouble with its core functions, making it difficult to produce the hormones that regulate and increase sexual pleasure . Furthermore, extreme weight issues also often correspond with or cause self-esteem issues, which can be another serious roadblock when you want to turn her on.
Diabetes – Unregulated blood sugar levels in the body as can happen with diabetes correspond with yeast infections [56, 57]. Diabetes can also cause nerve damage that leads to vaginal dryness [58, 59, 60, 61]. Both of these conditions cause a decrease in sex drive, as sex can become physically uncomfortable or even painful.
Depression – In 2016, an estimated 16.2 million American adults had a depressive episode with women experiencing them more frequently than men . Furthermore, 1 in 6 people will struggle with depression during their lifetime .
Depression starts in the brain, and it is the brain that regulates the secretion of sex hormones. When the brain is depressed, it acts as a Brake because it does not give the body these vital hormones that cause an increase in sexual arousal.
Neurological disease – Any disease or condition that affects the brain has the potential to act as a Brake to her libido and getting turned on. The hormones that get her turned are in part regulated in the brain, and neurological malfunction has the ability to reduce the body’s release of these hormones . One study found that lowered desire was experienced by women with depression more than any other sexual dysfunction .
If your partner is experiencing any of the conditions above, it is important to talk to a doctor immediately. A professional treatment program may be necessary, or a change in lifestyle.
Medications and Drugs
Antidepressants – Depression can reduce libido in women, and so can the treatment for depression. Although SSRIs help the body retain serotonin (the body’s “happy” hormone), the side effects include decreased desire and sexual arousal [66, 67]. This may seem counter intuitive, but SSRIs work by reducing the brain’s ability to communicate with the body, which usually dampens sexual drive. Previous treatments which addressed central nervous system depression also dampened sexual desire.
The FDA recently approved a medication, Addyi , for the treatment of sexual dysfunction in women. Addyi targets neurotransmitters. However, studies have shown it to be minimally effective at increasing sexual “events” during a 30-day period .
Smoking – Smoking, in general, reduces blood flow around the body [70, 71, 72], which can act as a Brake to getting turned on.
Alcohol – Although one or two drinks have the ability to remove mental blocks (aka the Brakes to getting turned on) and increase physiological stimulation, you might find that one or both of you desires sex less when you drink too much.
Illegal drugs – Illegal drugs also have the ability to remove mental blocks and increase physiological stimulation. However, everyone responds differently to drugs leading them to potentially becoming a Brake to getting turned on. The unregulated nature of illegal substances also means that you may not know what you are taking. Drugs may be mixed or given in too high of a dose.
Birth control – Unfortunately, the very thing that should enable you to have sex more frequently and with fewer worries can wreak havoc on sex drive, with some affecting desire more than others . However, birth control can also increase sex drive in some women . If your partner suspects that birth control has lowered her sex drive, there might not be anything you can do to turn her on, and she should talk to her doctor about non-hormonal options such as the copper IUD.
You can also use condoms rather than hormonal birth control.
Antihistamines – Medicines taken for colds (decongestants) or allergies (antihistamines) can cause vaginal dryness , making it harder to arouse her. A little lube might be all you need to deal with this temporary Brake, however.
Discover why you should use lube for sex.
Contrary to popular belief, a woman’s sex drive does not peak during her 30s as pop culture would have us believe. In fact, there really is no strong consensus about a woman’s sexual peak. Studies have found that sexual desire peaks in the mid-twenties, late twenties, and thirties. One study found that women between the ages of 27 and 45 were at their sexual peaks , but that’s a large range! There’s certainly variation between the sub-groups of that range.
For example, many of the factors mentioned above, most notably sexual shame, may play a role in women hiding the libido of their early 20s. By their 30s, however, many women may seem more open to sex because their motives are different  and less influenced by what other people think. Women may also feel more comfortable with their bodies and have an easier time communicating in their 30s .
Some people wonder whether society prevented women from admitting their sexual feelings, both in studies just as they did in everyday life. As women aged and society changed, perhaps it became easier to admit the sexual desires that existed all along. But if women weren’t being honest, those studies aren’t very helpful.
Regardless, sex drive waxes and wanes as we grow, both together and with our partners. But even if there’s no single peak, it’s true that a woman’s sex drive drops as she ages.
Fertility in women begins to drop around in her late twenties . Because fertility influences sex drive, we assume that desire drops as well. As a woman ages, her ovaries gradually stop functioning , leading to a complete cessation of function that we know as menopause. Some women experience a more sudden reduction in sexual libido due to an abrupt menopause (caused by removal of both ovaries or by chemotherapy) .
Still, many older women remain interested in sex .
The Bottom Line
I’ve covered the main Brakes to your girl getting turned on and I’ve tried to offer solutions in each case. Once you’ve identified any that affect your partner and/or relationship, it’s then a simple case of addressing each so that they are no longer an issue. When you do, you’ll notice that she gets turned on a lot more easily and quickly.