This guide will help teach you how to safely choke your partner during sex AKA erotic asphyxiation. You will learn multiple choking techniques, tips, positions, and scenarios that you can use with your partner to make choking super hot and intense.
However…We first need to talk about how incredibly dangerous sexual choking can be. Ultimately, we do not recommend ever trying choking during sex.
Choking May Result In Death
Choking your partner can result in death, even if you put safeguards in place and study how to do it the right way vs the wrong way. This may not sound fun, but it’s true and has happened repeatedly.
In the course of our research, we found 2 documented cases of death by choking from a partner using their hands during sex and many other deaths caused by various other methods of strangulation during sex/BDSM . It’s likely that more people have died from choking during sex than we know because there’s a lack of research. Or perhaps partners may want to avoid legal action or the listed cause of death may ignore the sexual aspect, or death may not have been immediate.
Here are some of the major safety issues you need to be aware of when it comes to a choking kink:
Brain damage – Restricting the flow of blood and oxygen to the brain, even for a very short period of time can result in brain damage .
Bruising & other physical trauma – Your neck is a sensitive area. When someone is rough with it during choking, it can cause physical damage such as bruising and swelling.
Carotid artery injury – Erotic choking has caused carotid artery injury that led to Horner’s syndrome in at least one case . Horner’s syndrome occurs when there is nerve damage to the eye causing the pupil to constrict and the eyelid to droop.
Death – As already mentioned, it’s possible to die from choking, whether it’s a consensual sexual activity or not .
Vision loss – Erotic asphyxiation can cause a type of hemorrhage that can lead to permanent vision loss. In one study, a patient had double vision after sexual choking .
Psychological trauma – Without enthusiastic consent and being fully aware of the risks involved while choking them during sex, you may cause yourself or your partner needless psychological hurt and trauma. However, one study found that choking during sex is associated with sadness, loneliness, depression, and overwhelming anxiety (in women), and some of those situations may have been consensual where one or both partners had a choking kink .
Choking during sex could also cause stroke, heart attack, and paralysis .
These are just some of the major issues that you must be aware of before choking your partner during sex Keep in mind that injuries may be delayed and not happen immediately after choking or breath play .
Choking Could Have Legal Consequences
Even if your partner agrees to be choked during sex, you could still find yourself in legal hot water. Your partner could “strategically employ” your sexual history against you in court. And in cases of accidental death, you might face murder charges, and explaining your choking fetish won’t do much good .
Choking Requires Communication, Consent & Boundaries
With any kind of choking in sex, you need to ensure that both the choker and the person being choked are having a good time. This requires a few things:
Communication – Great communication is required during any sexual activity, but especially during a dangerous activity like choking a partner during sex. With proper communication, you know when it’s ok to start choking your partner, when you should stop and when you’re applying too much/little pressure to your partner’s neck.
We don’t recommend suddenly surprising your partner with breath play during sex by grabbing their neck. Instead, talk to them before trying it and directly ask them if it’s something they’d like to try with you. If they would, that’s great. If not, then there are plenty of other fun, kinky sex activities you can try.
Boundaries – An important part of communication that we want to highlight is ensuring you discuss boundaries with your partner before choking them. Make sure you both fully understand how far you are happy to go with it.
- Is having your partner lightly rest a hand on your neck, the furthest you want to go?
- Or do you want them to be much more aggressive?
Make sure to discuss these and any other boundaries beforehand.
Consent – Consent is crucial in sex, but especially during a sexual act such as choke play where someone could get hurt. Make sure you have your partner’s enthusiastic consent before ever trying to choke them during sex. Remember that they can withdraw their consent at any time during sex.
Safe words & when something is wrong – Having an agreed-upon safe word is important to prevent things from getting out of control during any risky sexual activity.
However, while being choked, it may be impossible to say your safe word, so you need to find another way to indicate to your partner that you want them to stop the breath play. You could have an agreed-upon safety gesture/action like blinking or shaking your head or making a shape with your hand or holding a ball that you drop on the ground.
But what if your partner does not see your safety gesture/action or you lose consciousness before performing it?
This is exactly why choking someone during sex is so dangerous and why it should only be attempted with a partner you completely trust and who knows how to properly choke someone without hurting them and the risks of doing so. This way, they will know your boundaries and will be more likely to watch for your safe word/safety gesture.
How To Choke Someone As Safely as Possible
There is no safe way to choke someone. It’s a dangerous activity. Period.
That won’t stop some people from trying kinky choking.
- You know the extreme risks
- You have discussed it beforehand with your partner
- You have their consent and an agreed-upon safe word/gesture…
It’s time to learn how to choke your partner as safely as possible.
The key to safe choking–as safe as it gets at least–is not choking your partner out. How you choke matters. It’s all about finesse.
Start VERY Softly – Like with any sexual activity, you don’t want to aggressively start choking your partner during sex. You need to ease into it. Here are a number of steps you can take to ease into it.
- Gently rest your hand on their neck, applying no pressure at all. Your hand should be relaxed. Stop and ask your partner if they are ok with it before proceeding further.
- Lightly apply pressure with your hand so that you are just about “holding on” to their neck but aren’t restricting their airflow/blood flow. Stop and ask your partner if they are ok with it before proceeding further.
- Squeeze tighter so that you are holding on to their neck and slightly squeezing it. We don’t recommend squeezing any tighter than this for long periods of time. Stop and ask your partner if they are ok with it before proceeding further.
- You can keep applying more and more pressure beyond this in steps, checking in each time and making sure you never hurt them. Each time you apply more pressure, stop and get feedback afterward to ensure your partner enjoys it and see if they want more/less pressure.
Now, it’s time to learn 13 of my favorite ways to use choking during sex.
1. Their Hand On Your Hand
We recommend that the person being choked should hold their partner’s wrists during the act, especially while first experimenting with choking during sex.
This way, the person being choked can give their partner feedback.
- For harder choking, they can pull their partner’s wrists towards themselves.
- For softer choking, they can push their partner’s wrists away.
Bonus tip – This also works great during BDSM-type scenarios and roleplay, where the person being choked can pretend to be “fighting off” their attacker and trying to remove their hands from their throat.
Now it’s time to learn all the different ways you can choke your partner during sex.
2. Lying On Your Back While Getting Choked
This is probably the most common position for getting choked during sex. The person being choked is lying down on their back while the person doing the choking is on top. Here are some positions that work great for choking on top:
Missionary position – The male partner is on top of his female partner and can choke her at the same time. This is great for women who like to feel submissive during sex.
Cowgirl position – The male partner is on his back, while his female partner is on top, choking him. This position works well for women who like being dominant during sex.
Amazon position – This one is for women who like to feel very dominant during sex. The male partner needs to lie down on his back and pull his knees to his chest. The female partner then straddles the man resting on the back of his thighs.
3. Getting Choked From Behind
A very different way to get choked during sex is when your partner is behind you while choking you. There are many positions and techniques you can use for getting choked from behind. Here are our favorites:
Teaspooning position – This is sort of like regular Doggy Style position as the female partner will be on her knees. However, it’s different from Doggy Style because she will be upright instead of having her arms on the bed. The male partner can then reach around and grab her neck with his hand. This works great for women who like to be dominated and feel exposed during sex.
Bodyguard position – This position is similar to the Teaspooning position, except both partners will be standing, facing in the same direction. So, the female partner will have her back to the male partner. Again, he can reach around and place his hand on her neck to start choking her.
Spooning position – Many women find Spooning to be an awesome position for choking. You get to feel incredibly intimate and close to your partner, with full-body contact. At the same time, your man can reach his hand from behind and choke you. It’s a mixture of intimacy and dominance and even aggression.
4. Face-To-Face Choking
Getting choked while your partner makes direct, intense eye contact can be insanely hot. Here are three positions where you are facing your man as they choke you.
Lotus position – We recommend learning how to choke during sex and practicing it before doing it in this tricky sex position. But when you’re ready, have your man sit down with his legs crossed. Sit down on his crossed legs, wrapping your legs around his back and arms around his neck. He can then lift his hand up to grab your throat. Bonus points if he uses one hand to grab the back of your neck or pull your hair as he chokes you with his other hand.
Slow Dance position – If your man can easily penetrate you while you are standing up and facing each other, then the Slow Dance position works great for being choked. Full disclosure: This position can be tricky if you or your man are not the right height. Standing on the end of the stairs can help you get higher.
Mastery position – In this position, your man will be sitting down on a large armchair or couch. You then need to straddle him on your knees facing him. In this position, he can choke you or you turn the tables and choke him. Bonus points for choking him right as he reaches orgasm.
5. Choking During BDSM
If you have an interest in BDSM and getting choked, then you might consider combining them. As always, make safety a priority so you don’t accidentally choke out your sub.
Side note: Many BDSM players call choking sex “breath play.” What is breath play? It simply refers to activities that reduce oxygen in the brain, which obviously includes sexual choking.
Bondage – Imagine struggling against the restraints on your wrists and ankles, pinning your down on the bed, as you realize that you are completely helpless, at the mercy of your partner. Then they slowly move their hands over your body, moving closer and closer to your neck.
You know what’s coming.
With one hand, they wrap their fingers softly around your throat.
You’re completely exposed to your lover and can feel their grip tightening as they reach their other hand behind your head to grab your hair. You can feel their power as they choke you, while at the same time they are firmly pulling your hair down, tilting your chin upwards to keep your neck exposed. Then…
They slowly lean in closer, then closer again, until they’re kissing you.
If that sounds like something you’d like to try, then definitely consider mixing in bondage with choking.
Other bondage ideas while getting choked include:
- Having your hands tied behind your back with handcuffs.
- Having your hands tied overhead.
- Having your arm twisted behind your back by your partner, while they reach around with their other hand to choke you. This works great if they are roleplaying a police officer. Here are 42 kinky role play ideas for you and your partner
Warning: Mixing BDSM with choking is very dangerous. Do not take any risks with this.
A less risky way to experiment with something like BDSM choking would be to wear a collar or have your partner wear one. They’ll feel the material around their neck, but it’s not as dangerous as sexual asphyxiation.
Helpful: This guide on bondage for beginners will help you begin your exploration into the kinky world of bondage.
Dominance & Submission – There is something very dominant about choking your partner during sex. Of course, being choked willingly is clearly an act of submission to your partner. So if being dominant or submissive is something you enjoy or want to explore within your relationship, then choking could be the perfect fit for you.
- Submission guide – Learn how to be more submissive to your partner during sex.
- Domination guide – Discover how to unleash your dominant side during sex.
Sadism/Masochism – If you are a sadist and like to watch your sub/bottom suffer or struggle, then you could consider exploring choking during sex. The same is true if you are a masochist who enjoys this kind of stimulation.
However, S&M still requires consent, and you should know how to choke your partner safely. Remember, kinky activities are all about hurting but not causing real harm.
6. Two-Handed Choking
I’ve already touched on using two hands while choking your partner. Doing this is great for spicing things up or increasing the intensity. Here are some options for choking with two hands.
Two-Handed Choke – Rather than wrapping one hand around their neck, use two. It’s very straightforward but keep in mind that you should use less force when using two hands than when using a single hand.
Choking & Hair Pulling – You need to wrap one hand around your partner’s neck, gently squeezing it like you usually would. With your other hand, move it to the back of their head. Starting at the back of their neck, gently press your nails against their skin and start moving your hand upwards. As you do so, your nails will lightly scratch your partner’s scalp, which feels incredible.
Once your hand is deep inside their hair on the back of their head, lightly grab their hair at the base and pull down. Many people enjoy the feeling of having their hair pulled. An added benefit is having their chin tilted upwards and having their neck exposed, making them feel vulnerable.
Choking with one hand on the back of your neck – Another option is to choke your partner with a single hand as you normally would while sliding your other hand around to the back of their neck. You can then use this other hand at the back of their neck to tighten your choke hold. Be very careful when doing this to make sure you don’t apply too much pressure.
You could just rest one hand on the back of their neck and rest the other on the front of their neck if you’re worried about choking your partner safely.
7. Rear Naked Choke
There are other ways to choke your partner besides using your hands. One way is with your arm when you are behind them. This is a much “stronger” way to choke your partner which is great if the receiving partner likes the idea of having a strong, powerful partner choke them. However, it also increases the danger as it’s easier to lose consciousness within only a few seconds during rear-naked choking.
How to do it – When you are the giving partner and you are facing your partner’s back, you can easily wrap your arm around their neck from behind and choke them. Positions that work well for this include:
A better way – Due to the extreme danger involved with trying this kind of choking, I recommend that you don’t apply any pressure at all. Instead, the giving partner should wrap their arm around the receiving partner’s neck and make sure that there is a gap between their arm and neck, perhaps holding your arm lower against the collar bone rather than against their neck during sex.
The receiving partner will still feel somewhat dominated by this and can also hold on to the giving partner’s forearm or try to “push it off” if you are engaging in a consensual non-consent roleplay.
8. Choking With Belts, Leashes, Etc
Some couples want to constantly increase the intensity and danger they experience while choking during sex. As a result, they end up incorporating other items into their sex life. I’m talking about choking with a belt, or a leash, or something else to choke their partner.
This can sound like fun, but it comes with extreme dangers and we don’t recommend it. The choker has even less feedback than when they use their hands.
9. Rough Sex & Choking
Do you like rough sex? The feeling of being tossed around, dominated and ravished by your partner is highly appealing to many couples. It’s almost like becoming two animals tearing each other apart, giving in to your most basic instincts rather than careful, considerate loving.
It can be intensely hot. And…
Mixing in choking with rough sex can amp it up even higher.
Just thinking about getting pinned down and choked by your partner while you “struggle” against them can be enough to turn you on. Actually doing it is a whole other level.
As always, it’s a good idea to talk about it beforehand, agree on limits, and have a safe word/gesture in case things get out of hand.
10. Choking While Kissing
Getting choked is a good way to feel dominated by your partner. Getting kissed is a good way to feel loved by them. Combining them can be both confusing and intoxicating at the same time. It’s like Yin & Yang.
If you want to feel dominated and loved at the same time, then try getting kissed by your partner as they choke you during sex.
11. Choking During Consensual Non-Consent
Some people call consensual non-consent “rape roleplay”. It’s where both partners agree to engage in simulated non-consensual sex. They also agree to boundaries and a safe word beforehand to prevent the situation from getting out of control.
As consensual non-consent involves one partner sexually dominating another, it’s can feel quite natural for the dominant partner to choke the submissive one.
Hand over their mouth – One way to amp up the non-consensual part of this roleplay is for the dominating partner to choke the submissive partner with one hand while “covering” the submissive partner’s mouth with their other hand to “keep them quiet.” To be clear, you should never fully cover someone’s mouth in a way that prevents them from talking or signaling their distress.
12. Dominant, Aggressive Choking v Loving, Sensual Choking During Sex
For many couples, aggressive sex is all they want. The submissive partner wants to feel their dominant partner’s power and they want to be choked roughly by them.
This is perfectly fine and healthy.
However, for many couples, rough can get repetitive and boring quite quickly.
You should apply the same attitude to choking.
It doesn’t always need to be aggressive or rough.
You can also choke your partner in a loving, caring way. Instead of squeezing their neck, you can apply light pressure, so you are not choking them at all. Rather, you are holding their neck in your hand.
This can feel incredibly intimate and caring. After all, your neck is an erogenous zone.
Mixing it with kissing will further intensify these intimate feelings.
13. Choking During Orgasm
People say they like choking during sex, especially as they orgasm because it makes things feel more intense.
This can sound appealing, but keep in mind that pain tolerance and risk-taking can increase with sexual stimulation or arousal, so the partner being choked may not be aware of even intense pain or be able to use their safe word [9, 10]. And if you notice your decision-making skills seem to slip when aroused or approaching orgasm, oxygen deprivation may only further impact your self-control and judgment .
While you may be an experienced, trusted, caring partner who watches to make sure you are not going too far and that you aren’t hurting your partner, you simply cannot know if that’s the case.
Danger – The risk is even greater if you have little to no experience with erotic asphyxiation.
Some People Don’t Like To Be Choked
Choking during sex seems to be pretty common, with one study finding that two-thirds of people have tried it previously ! But with any sexual activity or kink, not everyone is into choking their partner or getting choked during sex. And…
There are plenty of other sexual activities you can try to keep your sex life fun.