Every solid relationship requires a period of getting to know each other, but how do you do that? You need to find the balance between showing vulnerability and paying attention, but you don’t want to rush into it too soon. You can ask the following questions instead of just asking “How well do you know me?”.
HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW ME – ANSWER THESE QUESTION
There are a lot of “How Well Do You Know Me” quizzes and questions floating around social media, but these are typically either/or questions that are quite shallow (find more deep questions to get to know him). With a 50/50 chance of guessing the correct answer, your friends don’t really have to know you well to score well on the quiz. Instead, we present these questions below that can help you tell if someone in your life really wants to know you.
1. WHAT’S MY FAVORITE ____?
Granted, knowing your favorite thing isn’t necessarily a huge sign that someone knows a lot about you. However, if someone picks up on preferred foods, drinks, books, movies, music and more along the way, he’s probably paying a lot of attention. This is doubly true if you never made a point to tell him about your favorites.
2. HOW DO I LIKE MY ____?
This is a question similar to the one above. When someone is invested in you and pays attention to the things you like and how you like them, you’ve got a good foundation for a relationship. Answers to this question could include food (how you like your burger prepared or if you enjoy any weird food combinations), but they can also extend to little quirks such as how you arrange the toilet paper roll or organize furniture in your home.
3. WHO ARE MY FAMILY MEMBERS?
Meeting someone’s family is a big deal when you’re dating, but understanding family dynamics is an even more important signal. Someone who really knows you understands why you’re closer to one parent, where your abandonment issues come from, or how your grandparents raised you when yours weren’t able to. If your partner doesn’t understand why you have a tense relationship with a competitive or even abusive sibling, then they don’t really know you.
Of course, he might be able to shed new light on old wounds. Understanding doesn’t necessarily mean agreeing, just making an effort.
4. WHERE/WHEN DID I MEET MY BEST FRIEND?
Many women have a best friend (some have more than one!) who has been there for them through thick and thin. If you’re not an exception to this rule, then your man should learn along the way that you met in sixth-grade health class, both had a crush on the same boy and cried when you couldn’t go to the same college. He might even come to hear embarrassing stories or inside jokes, even though he wasn’t there at the time.
5. WHAT AM I INSECURE ABOUT?
Sometimes the reason someone doesn’t know you well is that you haven’t let them in. You won’t let them see your vulnerable side. Perhaps you want to seem perfect, or you’re afraid of being hurt. Whatever the reason, this prevents someone from knowing as much about you as they can.
When you let someone in, they’ll know more about you than other people, perhaps deep secrets that you rarely share. Insecurities certainly fall into this category. Whatever your insecurities might be, someone who understands them knows you well — and might just be able to help you move past them.
6. HOW DO YOU KNOW I’M LYING?
Few people are expert liars. We usually have our tells. And if your partner has noticed yours, you either lie a lot, or you’re not very good when you do. You might realize that he’s actually been going along with you whenever you pretend that he was the one that finished off the popsicles, even though it was actually you.
7. WHAT IS SOMETHING I’D LIKE TO DO BUT AM AFRAID TO TRY?
Maybe you want to skydive, sing karaoke or role play in the bedroom (sex goals count, too!). But you’re nervous and shy about it. If your guy can answer this question, then you’ve allowed yourself to be vulnerable to him, and he’s picked up on those cues. Maybe the two of you can even think of a way to help turn these goals into reality.
8. WHAT’S MY TYPE?
Although many people place more stock in the idea of a romantic type than they should, this question can be illuminating. A discussion about whether you are each another’s’ types can follow on its heels.
9. WHEN DO I HATE BEING INTERRUPTED?
Perhaps you want peace and quiet for thirty minutes after work, you like to do your makeup without interruption, or you hate being disturbed when watching “your show.” We all have periods of time when we’re rather not talk – or have to listen.
10. WHAT AM I PROUD OF?
We may not all toot our own horns, but most of us have something we’re proud of. If someone can identify what that is, they know you well!
11. WHAT HABIT DO I WISH I COULD CHANGE?
Although, you could easily have your partner answer what he thinks you want to change about yourself, focusing on habits take the spotlight away from the critical thoughts we all have about our appearances. And a habit of yours that annoys him might not actually be what concerns you.
12. WHEN DID I FIRST DECIDE I COULD TRUST YOU?
This one is pretty self-explanatory. If you haven’t yet decided you can trust him, you might have trust issues. Find out what causes trust issues and how to get over them.
13. WHEN DID I KNOW I WAS IN LOVE WITH YOU/YOU WERE THE ONE?
This is a question to determine how well he knows you only if you’re already in a serious relationship. But if you’ve said those three little words and have plans for the future, it might be safe to see if your partner knows you well enough to answer this question.
14. WHICH FRIENDS OF YOURS DO I LIKE THE MOST?
While shows and movies sometimes paint a picture of a couple that doesn’t like each others’ friends, this shouldn’t be the case. This is actually a positive question that can make you seem likable, too!
15. WHICH CLOTHING ITEM OF YOURS WOULD I LOVE NEVER TO SEE AGAIN?
That’s right; we’ve all picked out an item of clothing that we just cannot stand. You might have hinted that those old boxers or that worn-in sweatshirt has to go. Maybe you roll your eyes when he pops the color on that bright purple polo. If he can answer this correctly when you haven’t come out and said it, he knows you well (and maybe he wears it on purpose to annoy you).
16. WHAT DO YOU DO THAT CALMS ME DOWN?
It’ll make your partner feel good if he can name a few things he does that you really like. This question is one that helps to build intimacy.
17. WHICH HABIT OF YOURS ANNOYS ME?
Here’s the flip side of a previous question. Can your partner guess the irritating habit you’d like changed?
18. HOW OFTEN DO I WANNA TALK?
In the world of smart phones, it’s all too easy to be connected all the time. In a healthy relationship, however, you don’t need to be connected all the time. Does your guy know you well enough to know how often you’d really like to speak?
19 WHEN DO I NEED YOU THE MOST?
We all need someone sometimes. At least, that’s how the song goes. So when do you need people the most, specifically the person you’re in a relationship with?
20. WHAT’S MY LOVE LANGUAGE?
If your guy realizes the best way to make you feel loved, then you probably feel secure and happy in your relationship. Of course, he might not know about the five love languages (more about the five love languages here) and use the specific terms, but he’ll be able to describe what you need and how he provides it.
21. HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW ME?
Don’t forget that you can simply ask someone how well they know you. If the response is pretty well and comes with a few examples, perhaps including some of those from above, then he probably knows you pretty well. But if your partner only responds with shallow answers or admits that he could know you better, then there’s some work to do. We’ll point out how he can get to know you better shortly.
GETTING TO KNOW SOMEONE TAKES TIME AND EFFORT
If you noticed an overreaching theme of someone knowing you well because they took the time and effort to do so, good job! Knowing someone well requires curiosity, commitment and the ability to listen. Even if you’ve had a friend with benefits for some time, he may not know you well because all you ever do is physical without diving into those deep issues.
This leads us to our next point: your expectations should be realistic. If you’ve been with a guy for four years, live together and maybe even have a child, he should know you well. It would be fair to be upset if he didn’t, or worse, he didn’t care to.
But if it’s something that’s casual, it wouldn’t be appropriate to expect this guy to pay attention to these things. If you find yourself in that position, you might want to consider whether you want a relationship.
Even when you’re in a relationship, it takes time to learn things about someone else. There’s a natural progression that you shouldn’t try to expedite artificially. It can feel overwhelming for the person you’re seeing, and it may also indicate that you’re more interested in where your relationship is than the person with whom you’re in a relationship. You might try to force emotional intimacy (read what emotional intimacy is) if you’re a serial monogamist.
So how do you get to the place where someone knows you well? Make sure you’re doing more than just having sex and sticking to the physical. Don’t spend all your times at bars or concerts where you can’t have an actual conversation. Ask questions (and be open to answering them yourself), both silly and significant. You might make a game out of it, even!
For more serious issues that require time and effort to discuss, therapy might be an option.
YOU HAVE TO OPEN UP
One thing you don’t want to do is to make him guess. He’s not a mind reader, and while what you want or how you feel might seem pretty obvious to you, he might be oblivious. It could be that you were raised in different ways, have differing values or are accustomed to previous partners who had the opposite reactions. Whatever the reason, it’s best to be forward about some things, especially the important ones.
Let him know how you feel about things as soon as possible. This establishes intimacy and trust and prevents you from having to spend years pretending you like beer or his favorite band. And, yes, this includes sex! You should speak up about what you want, what works for you and what you’d like to try in the future or do differently.
IT’S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU
Furthermore, you shouldn’t be so self-involved that you demand a guy know everything about you without you knowing him well in return. Relationships are a two-way street. If you want yours to be a success, you need to care about his deeper self. Note that this can be difficult because many guys have a difficult time opening up because of how they were socialized (and women aren’t necessarily immune to those difficulties, either).
You can ask someone “How well do you know me?”, or you can be more indirect with the questions listed above. But you need to be prepared if this person doesn’t know you as well as you thought – or would like. Still, there’s no reason to freak out if your partner doesn’t know you well as long as he’s willing to get to know you.