If something is lacking from your current relationship/marriage, you might consider domestic discipline. In this relationship style, you and your man both have defined roles, and this can improve your relationship and communication. Read on to see if DD might be the lifestyle for you.
WHAT IS DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE?
A domestic discipline relationship, also known as DD, is one in which the man/husband has more authority over his wife/submissive. He creates rules for her to abide by and can administer punishment if she fails to adhere to those rules in an attempt to maintain a healthy relationship (what does a healthy relationship look like? Read this!) and functioning household and protect the family. Typically (but not always), the punishment comes in the form of spanking, and flagellation is a common element in DD households.
Straight, monogamous couples are those who are the most likely to live a DD lifestyle, and these couples are often Christian who believe in the Bible has described the ideal household similar to those achieved/desired in domestic discipline.
Domestic discipline of often abbreviated to DD, and you’ll also see it shortened to CDD for Christian Domestic Discipline. Other terms include HOH, or head of household (the dominant man), and TiH, or taken in hand (the submissive woman).
Related: Discover How to Be Submissive
Not every woman is submissive, however. You can take this test to find your sexual and BDSM personality.
DD VERSUS BDSM
Practitioners of domestic discipline are quick to point out that while spanking can be erotic in nature, it’s not the focus of DD. In fact, most couples try to avoid spanking because it’s a punishment and means that either the wife has done something wrong or communication has crumbled.
Similarly, people in domestic discipline relationships often spell out a difference between DD and BDSM. While domestic discipline includes power exchange, rules, and punishment (typically in the form of spanking), BDSM is a much more broad umbrella that covers a variety of erotica activities – everything from light bondage (read more here) to 24/7 relationships that require contracts. Folks who believe in DD may not engage in any other activities that fall under that umbrella, and they may even see other BDSM activities and relationships as sinful or wrong.
Related: What Is BDSM?
Other differences between BDSM and domestic discipline include who plays what roles. The dominant (HoH) is male in DD situations because it harkens to biblical principles in which the man was the head of the household and his wife and family were subservient to him. It’s up to him to make and enforce rules as the king of his domain.
If you’re especially dominant, domestic discipline is probably not for you. However, we have plenty of ideas for women who wants to dominate their men in this post.
CONSENT AND DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE
But one similarly is that these relationships are entered into consensually. Each partner agrees to play their role and abide by the accompanying rules as well as participate in activities such as spanking that come along with domestic discipline. Just like BDSM (and any sexual activity), consent is key. Without consent, these situations could be considered abusive, but consent is the line in the sand that shows the clear divide between abuse and domestic discipline.
Because domestic discipline relationships require consent, one or both partners could revoke it or renegotiate the terms of the domestic discipline relationship if it no longer works for them. This is one way that the dominant/HoH has limited power; although, someone who is abusive would ignore those negotiations or revocation of consent.
DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE ADDS STRUCTURE
Proponents of domestic discipline point out how it provides structure. There are clear rules and equally clear punishments for straying from those rules. Nothing is ambiguous, and this can make communicating easier. So, too, can the knowledge of repercussions for disobeying the rules help you remain on your best behavior.
How do you keep a system of checks and balances when it comes to a relationship structure that some people view as ordained by God?
Some DD couples do craft rules or responsibilities for the dominant/HoH, including those about how he governs his household. His power is not unlimited, and some DD partnerships have fewer rules than others, further limiting the husband’s authority. A couple may agree upon repercussions for the husband if he fails to protect and provide for his family.
Another element is the maintenance spanking, which is not done as a punishment. It can reconfirm the power exchange. A maintenance spanking typically occurs at a predetermined time (daily, weekly, bi-weekly, etc. ).
Psst, does domestic discipline sound a little too structured? Learn how to implement boundaries in your relationship, instead.
DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE RULES
If you’re into the idea of domestic discipline because you enjoy your partner being the one who is in control or your relationship could use more structure, you’ll need to devise rules. They can be as numerous or few as you’d like. Similarly, they may be specific or vague, but you might find specific rules easier to follow.
Most rules in the DD lifestyle fall into the following categories.
- Show respect
- Be honest
- Be sane
- Take care of home/family/pets
Some people further explain those rules. So being honest might be “Be honest 100% of the time.” Or you may define that you must be polite all the time rather than just being respectful. The more specific the rule, the more likely it will be short term.
Additional rules may include journaling or blogging at a predetermined rate and allowing your HoH to read those entries, respecting any decision your man has made and keeping up with hygiene/appearance in a way that pleases him.
The HoH isn’t the only one to create rules, either. You can provide input if you think there’s a rule you need to add for yourself.
CREATING A DD CONTRACT
If you want to add rules for your husband, think of those that complement the rules for you. So if you must remain respectful, he must act in a way that would earn respect, so on and so forth. It’s his responsibility to keep you accountable and to remain calm.
For people with few rules or rules that are easy to remember, you may not need to write them down. However, a written domestic discipline contract both enables you and your man to consent while serving as a reminder of your rule, so there are no misunderstandings. You can also more easily negotiate rules when you know what they are.
Check out our post on BDSM contracts to get an idea of where to start. Remember that DD contracts differ, however. Check out the sample domestic discipline contract by Mischief in May here. Simply Submissive offers a shorter contract.
You’ll see that the example contracts outline consent, rules, punishment, maintenance spankings and the responsibilities of the head of household.
WHEN RULES ARE BROKEN
We’re all human, and we all break the rules. What happens when rules are broken in a domestic discipline lifestyle? Your man must administer punishment as stated in your contract or agreed upon/ Spanking is a common punishment, and your contract may state specifically how many swats, what implements are used and how the spankings are given. Your punishment might be more severe for a more serious infraction.
Many DD couples are fans of over-the-knee or OTK spanking against a bare ass. However, you might agree that your husband can use a hairbrush, paddle or another implement. When you’re new to spankings, you’ll want to start gently to determine your tolerance. Even a moderate spanking can have a lasting impact.
Learn more about erotic spanking here.
One thing that is usually a given is the idea that your man should be calm before spanking you. This is something that many parents believe in when dealing with children who have broken a rule. Anger might lead your husband to ignore the contract, spank too hard or mete out a punishment that isn’t fair for the misdeed. Because of this, spanking might take place after your mistake/broken rule when your man has had a chance to calm down.
Spanking can be pretty timid and you might enjoy it, but it’s also good to consider aftercare such as a soothing balm or even time to cuddle. Read our post on aftercare to learn more.
OTHER FORMS OF PUNISHMENT
Some DD couples prefer other forms of punishment to spankings/corporal punishment. These may include washing your mouth out with soap, sentence/essay writing, corner time (sitting or kneeling in a corner like a time out), bedroom time (time out in another room) and grounding/permission removal. You may agree that more serious issues require more serious punishments, so picking a few punishments that work for you and your man might be ideal.
After punishment has been dished out, the issue is settled. The head of household should be calm and genuinely forgiving.
DOMESTIC DISCIPLINE RESOURCES
You might have gotten an idea about what DD is from the Princess Fantasy but there are quite a few domestic discipline communities and blogs that can give you further information and connect you to other people who believe in this lifestyle.
In the domestic discipline lifestyle, punishment is to be avoided. If your man frequently punishes you it’s because you often break the rules. The rules may be unrealistic, or your man may be on a power trip.
Somewhere there is a communication breakdown or strife that is impairing your relationship, and the very fact that your man has had to spank you is an indicator of this. You may choose to connect after a punishment to try to avoid these issues in the future.
Ultimately, domestic discipline should help you maintain a happy and healthy relationship. Both partners should understand their roles and show love, care, and respect to the other. But this style of relationship isn’t for every couple, and that’s okay.