Long-term relationships and monogamy can become stale and boring without proper care. That might be one of the reasons people in marriages and long-term relationships have affairs.
But if you’re curious to know just how many people have affairs, you’re out of luck. That seems to be one of the true mysteries of the universe. The answer depends on who’s doing the asking.
For example, sex researcher Shere Hite said that 70 percent of women who were married more than five years have had an affair, and a follow-up study found that 72 percent of men have had one, which would indicate that monogamy isn’t the norm. But according to Tom Smith, an academic survey researcher, only about 20 percent of married people have had an affair, which would indicate that monogamy is the norm.
Despite the numbers, keeping your monogamous relationship hot is a key to keeping it exciting, and doing so helps prevent some men from straying. Unfortunately, nothing guarantees that your man won’t stray. We want to emphasize that you should not blame yourself for not being exciting enough for him. Some men just stray, no matter what you do. More on that here.
With that said, it doesn’t hurt, and it’s always fun to try some techniques to keep a monogamous relationship hot. Here are some ways:
1. REGULAR DATE NIGHTS
Remember all the excitement you felt just before you were about to go on a date with your guy? Just because you get in a monogamous relationship doesn’t mean you need to stop date nights. Many couples drop date nights when they get married, especially if they have kids. It’s too much of a hassle, or they feel as if there’s no point because they’re already married.
But that is wrong thinking. It’s important to keep the spark in your marriage alive. And one of the best ways to do that is to schedule a weekly date night. It doesn’t matter which night you choose. What’s important is that you both commit to having a weekly night set aside just for the two of you.
You don’t have to spend a lot of money on date night. But you do need to schedule one. When you go, avoid checking your phone every minute. If the babysitter calls, answer it. Otherwise, talk with your man. And don’t forget to dress up in clothes you know he likes. Here are some free or cheap ideas:
- Drive out to the country, bring a blanket, and lie down to star gaze.
- Go to the airport or to a downtown square and people watch. You can make up stories about the people you see.
- Go to an arcade, and play the games you used to like as a kid.
- Be a tourist in your own city, seeking out places a tourist would go like a quaint neighborhood, a botanical garden, or a museum.
- Go to your favorite restaurant (preferably one with candles).
2. RANDOM SURPRISES
When you plan a surprise for your husband, you make him feel special. It doesn’t matter what the surprise is. Just the idea that you were thinking of him and wanted to make him happy usually does the trick.
You can surprise him with little things or a big extravaganza. Whatever you choose, he’s guaranteed to like it. Here are some ideas:
- After he completes his usual household tasks, give him a big kiss and a thank you to let him know how much you appreciate what he does around the house.
- The next time you’re in the car together (when you’re driving), or at the park, or at the beach surprise him by taking him to an out-of-the-way place and tell him you want him now. Be careful with sex in public, however.
- Leave a sexy love note in his briefcase (or whatever he brings to work) telling him what you plan to do to him tonight. Or send him a sext message while he’s at work.
- Learn about his fave sports team (if you normally couldn’t care less about it). He’ll be pleasantly surprised when you can join him and understand what’s going on.
3. TRYING NEW THINGS SEXUALLY
One reason people in monogamous relationships have affairs is to try something new. Show your man that he doesn’t need a new person to experience something different. You’re game for many new things. Here are some ideas:
- Slow down. This idea has you doing the same things you normally do but slow them down to about a fourth of the speed you normally go. You’ll build tension this way, which should lead to better orgasms for both of you. Foreplay is great for slowing things down.
- If you’ve never had sex in the shower, now’s the time to try. But before you get in, make sure you’ve set a bottle of silicone lube next to the soap. Get intimate by washing him all over and letting him do the same to you. Then grab the lube. The water from the shower tends to wash away your natural lubricant, so you’ll need a little help, and he won’t mind helping you out here.
- Tell him that tonight’s porn night and that you want to act out what you watch.
- Bring out the toys. If you don’t have any, surprise him by having something ready when he comes to bed. Handcuffs are a good choice is you’re into light bondage. He won’t be able to touch you, so you can tease him as long as you like – or until he begs you for more.
4. REMEMBER THAT BUILDING SEXUAL TENSION IS STILL IMPORTANT
Another reason people in monogamous relationships have affairs is that they feel sexual tension toward a person they find attractive, a strong feeling that many find too powerful to resist. The sexual tension, in this case, comes from not having had sex with this person and knowing that you shouldn’t. But you can also build sexual tension with your husband or long-term partner. Here’s how:
- Let him know you want him but at an inconvenient time so that he’ll have to wait. For example, before he’s out the door for work, if you normally give him a peck on the lips, give him a passionate kiss instead. But do so just once. He’ll be thinking about you all day.
- Send him a sexy text message while he’s at work. This gets him thinking about you, and the sexual tension should build.
When he does get home, don’t let him have sex with you right away. Tell him he has to wait a little longer.
- Prepare a nice meal for him, preferably when the two of you are alone, and make good eye contact with him during dinner. Be complimentary of how he looks, and give all the signs that you want him.
5. MAKE AN EFFORT TO STAY ATTRACTIVE TO YOUR PARTNER
Although looks are not the most important thing for maintaining a monogamous relationship, they are still a factor that couples need to consider. If you no longer find your partner attractive, or if he no longer finds you attractive, it’s a problem. It’s usually more difficult to want to be intimate with someone when you’re not attracted to that person. Here are some ways to stay attractive throughout your marriage or relationship:
- Eat healthy & get enough sleep:When you eat healthy get enough sleep, you’ll look and feel better, and that makes you more attractive sexually.
- Have good hygiene:Make sure you keep up with regular bathing and brushing your teeth.
- Be mindful of how you dress:There’s nothing wrong with wearing comfy clothes around the house, but there are plenty of attractive options, such as yoga pants or a comfortable T-shirt dress, both of which look better that an old pair of sweats with holes in them.
6. AVOID THE LETHAL 3: CLINGINESS, NEEDINESS, AND NAGGING
If you feel as if you need to be with your man all the time, you’re probably being clingy and needy. And this can get old fast with him. The more you cling, the more he wants to pull away. And the more he pulls away… the harder you cling. This sort of dysfunctional relationship probably can’t last forever. You might need therapy to find out how to be independent and to learn to take care of your needs yourself. Once you know that you can be happy without your man, he’ll probably want to stick around more.
It can be easy to fall into a nagging attitude when in monogamous relationships, but nagging can end a relationship. Ask your man if he feels as if you nag him. If he does, apologize, and then come up with a plan that allows you to stop nagging. For example, if you believe that something needs to be done around the house, discuss this with your husband, and work out a plan for how the job will get done. If he says he’ll do it and then doesn’t, instead of nagging, you could do the job yourself or tell him that you’d be happy to hire someone to do it. Just don’t resort to nagging. That rarely works.
Monogamy doesn’t come naturally to everyone. But a monogamous relationship is possible if you work at it and enjoy the relationship. And there are huge benefits to staying monogamous. Being in an intimate relationship has been linked to lower levels of depression and to better health in general. But to have benefits, the relationship needs to be a satisfying one. And now you know some ways to achieve this.