When sex is imminent in your relationship, whether it’s casual or serious, you may have to do some soul searching. The issue of when to have sex is definitely one of those times! Should you have sex because your man wants to or because your friends encourage it?
RULES ABOUT WHEN TO HAVE SEX
There are a lot of “rules” or guidelines about when to have sex. The most common might be:
- You should wait until the third date.
- You should wait until after you’re married.
- You should be in love.
But there are other rules, and you or someone you know might have made up another “rule” for when to have sex.
The thing to remember is that these rules are all arbitrary. If you have sex “early” or “late,” no bomb will go off. A guy might leave as soon as you have sex or because you haven’t yet “put out.” But that says everything about him and nothing about you.
WHY DO THESE RULES EXIST?
Some of these guidelines exist to prevent you from getting hurt or letting the wrong one in. And we completely understand the desire to protect oneself. But we would also argue that you don’t want to protect yourself so much that you’re missing out on life.
Another common reason people will tell you not to have sex may come from a place of seeming concern. Your friends, family, and teachers may have urged you to wait, especially if you’re a virgin because sex is something that’s special that should only be shared with someone if you have a connection.
Don’t get us wrong: it’s absolutely okay if you agree with this. But this idea suggests that you will become less special if you give it away too soon or if you have sex with too many people or for the “wrong” reasons.
Sex is only okay in certain situations, and anyone who disobeys that rule is unclean or a “slut.” As it turns out, that word is almost meaningless to begin with. Either way, slut shaming is never cool!
HAVE SEX WHEN YOU WANT TO
At the Bad Girls Bible, we obviously advocate for a healthy sex life. Sex can be fun and help you explore your own identity, not to mention all of these benefits. We’re also not sure that anyone else has any right sticking their nose in your sex life.
Having sex before marriage or serious commitment can also help to pinpoint whether you’re sexually compatible. For some people, sexual incompatibility is a deal-breaker. However, it’s certainly something you can work on if you’re committed to your relationship.
For some people, being in love isn’t enough for amazing sex. Sex can certainly be better when you’re in love, and it’s okay if you only have sex with people whom you love. But that doesn’t need to be your rule just because someone else abides by it. Nor do you need to settle for mediocre sex just because you have feelings for someone.
SHOULD YOU HAVE SEX? THAT’S YOUR DECISION!
If you’re with us this far, then you know the decision is completely up to you and your partner – no one else. This can make it difficult if you tend to rely on your friends for advice.
Perhaps the most important question when it comes to when to have sex is whether you want to have it.
You see, there are plenty of reasons why you might feel like you have to have sex that have nothing at all to do with you wanting to have sex:
- You want to show your man that you care.
- You’re afraid he’ll leave you.
- He’s pressuring you into it.
- You’ve already been dating a while.
- Your friends think you need to get it over with.
- Everyone else is doing it.
- So on and so forth.
Living in a world where you’re not (yet) having sex can be difficult. You see sex in movies and TV. Some people talk about it casually, and there’s pressure to have sex or lie about having sex.
THE PRESSURE TO HAVE – AND NOT HAVE – SEX
There are plenty of reasons not to have sex, and your partners should respect these reasons whether you’re casual, serious or somewhere in between. If you feel rushed, it’s absolutely your right to say “No.” You never owe anyone sex, and consent is something to be taken seriously.
The thing about slut shaming is that we can actually direct it internally. You can enjoy sex, but you can make yourself feel bad afterward. It’s okay if you legitimately feel like sex is something that won’t make you feel better, but there’s no reason to feel guilt or disgust if you’re a woman who likes sex. That would be crazy!
DO YOU HAVE SEXUAL ANXIETY?
There is one scenario in which we suggest considering having sex even though you’re on the fence, and that’s when you’re nervous or anxious to do it. Everyone experiences some sort of sexual anxiety at one point or another in their lives. And it may not even be during their first time (or their first time with a partner).
Sometimes, the best thing we can do for our nerves is to forge on ahead and try to ignore them. Having sex is something of a big deal, but it can also be less of a big deal than you imagine. If you wait too long, it might feel almost impossible to finally do it because the idea has had time to build up into an insurmountable monster in your head.
If you’re dating a good guy, you should be able to talk to him about having sex and any of the nerves that come with it. You know he’s a keeper when he talks through things with you and reassures you. Furthermore, conversations like these enable you to more easily talk about the difficult things that might arise in the future, sex or otherwise.
On the other hand, a negative, impatient or judgmental response may indicate that this guy isn’t really the one. You might realize that you don’t want to have sex with him – now or ever!
WHEN YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE SEX
Before you decide to jump in the sack with someone, no matter how hot or sweet he is, you should make sure you have protection. Ideally, you’d always talk about sexual histories enough to know that it’s safe to have sex. However, the doesn’t always happen. Hormones can get out of control, and we forget to have that talk.
At the very least, you should use condoms. Condoms prevent against pregnancy and STIs. Plus, they make cleanup easier. Having sex without condoms puts you at risk for pregnancy and painful sexually-transmitted infections.
So if you don’t have condoms on hand – or penis – then you should wait to have sex. If you’re not a fan of condoms or one of you has an allergy, you can use the female condom or another type of birth control.
MAKE HIM WAIT FOR IT, REALLY?
There’s also perks to making him wait, too. Guys often like a little bit of a chase – not so much that you’re sending completely mixed signals but enough for him to feel like you’re worth the wait.
Of course, many people like to skip the games. And it’s not your loss if he loses interest because he feels like you gave it up too early, but waiting until you’re comfortable might be good for your relationship in addition to being good for yourself!
The decision of when to have sex is a personal one. Consider your partner’s input but know that it’s up to you at the end of the day to determine whether you’re ready. Whether it’s your first time or your first time with him, no one has the right to make that choice but you!